Thought I'd share on something in the hope that I'm not the only one to feel like it.
I can already hear my older friends grown at the title of this blog. I'll probably get a few "wait until you hit 40/50" comments. And rightly so I guess.
Here's the deal. And it will half sound awfully dramatic. That might be because I'm listening to 'Say Something' on an overcrowded W3 bus or might be because, well, I'm actually pretty bloody miserable at the moment. Like the chicken and egg I'm never quite sure if the sad ballads come on before or after my mood shift but I'll assume they are the result.
In a couple of weeks I will turn 30. On one hand, I've got a partner, a job, a great group of mates and a roof over my head. I've recently blagged an award in something and have positive feedback on my ideas and work.
On the other hand however, I'm not where I wanted to be by miles. I'm not a home owner or have any prospect of becoming one fast unless one of my bonkers ideas actually takes off. I'm having some personal beef in the relationships I care most about, feel like a daily failure in my career and self. Instead of feeling proud about what I've done I'm annoyed at what I haven't.
It's no surprise really when I sit on the sofa eating a Dairylee Dunker for dinner watching younger people than myself buy houses with their careers or see girls fit into those size 8 jeans whilst being papped eating a Big Mac. All around me I'm being told I should be able to buy this, eat there and do that and right now. As I edge towards 30 I feel like although I've done a lot, granted, it just doesn't feel quite enough, and like any good blog I'm looking to point the blame. (That's a joke.)
I know the media doesn't help and hell I'm part of that. An award winning actress steps out into the limelight after some time away (and some work it seems) and top trends for two days because her face looks different. I also know not to buy into this superficial crap and know not having a new Mulberry purse (or buying lunch without my card declining) doesn't REALLY matter, but it's still hard to shake this feeling off.
I even did what I usually try and do and do nice things for people in the hope I cheer up. (Selfless I know). I started my 'pay it forward' and gave a young mum all my Tesco points, I'm about to foster some kittens for the Cat Protection and even signed up for a Sleep Out with Centrepoint. It doesn't hide the fact I'm as blue as the band and not too pleased with myself right now.
So I've decided to let myself just 'be' and hope that on the night of my birthday party I look around the room, see all those pretty faces of the friends who have chosen to keep me in their life and realise it ain't too bad.
That or I'll swim in a bottle of Jack Daniels and forget I've even had a birthday.