25/08/2017 07:44 BST | Updated 25/08/2017 07:44 BST

The One Word You Need To Get Your Ex Back

One word? Don't.

Ok, so I lied. This word won't get your ex back. But hold on! What you'll actually get is FAR, FAR MORE, instead.

The quickest route to feeling better and loving life again - yes, I promise it's possible, no matter how shitty you feel RN - is to accept they're gone. Not to chase them, or persuade them of the error of their ways.

You know this, deep down. And I'm sorry I lied. But it's because I care.

As the saying goes, holding on to anger is like drinking poison yourself and expecting your enemies to die.

Yes, I know you've had dreams in which you tell your ex exactly what you think of them.

When you see them with someone else, when you spend the dream searching for them, when you're at a show and they're suddenly on stage, when, when, when... I know.

I know you've woken up and cried because they're not next to you, and spent hours scrolling through old, happy photos.

Been there, got the pyjama top.

BUT, enacting these dreams in real life - especially the one where you go round to their place and calmly explain why they've got it wrong, beautiful tears rolling down your cheeks so they see what they've been missing all along - is NOT, I repeat, NOT, a good idea.

It ain't gonna happen, beautiful.

Peeps who WANT to be with you, and don't have issues or drama or any other BS in the way, will be with you. End of.

Yes, OK, some relationship-blessed gods and goddesses seem to go on and off a like a light switch, looking effortlessly-Instagrammable as they do it.

I mean, Will and Kate split up for like four months in 2007 and NOW look at them, for god's sake - but remember, each time the light switch goes off you're plunged into darkness, and nobody's looking good on Instagram then, are they?

So, my advice? Don't do it. Shine bright like a diamond instead (thank you, classic Rihanna).

There's a reason why they say the best revenge is a life well lived.

No, you don't have to live your life simply to prove anything to anyone - least of all your ex.

But you do have a duty to yourself to disabuse your mind of anything resembling false hope, and move on like the awesome, independent and kick-ass woman that you are...or will be, once you stop pining after someone who's (and here's the reality of the thing) GONE.

Instead of focusing on your ex, and all the things ex-related, try to focus on the freedom you have now, instead. What can you do now that you couldn't with them?

What did they intensely annoy you about, that now isn't an issue? What tiny things did you give up or quietly put away when you were with them (there's always something, even in the best partnerships)?

When you look back on this part of your life now - the time when you were single before you met your next great love, because it WILL happen - what do you want to remember?

All those times you chased after false hope and obsessed over how terribly you were wronged?

Or would you prefer to look back on this time and say, "Yep, that's when I spent my time building up bulletproof self-respect, figuring out what sets my soul on fire, and learning about my own sweet self"?

It's a heck of a lot more than one word, but it's oh-so-much-more fulfilling.

I know this, because when one of my most-beloved exes walked out on me years ago, it was way more helpful when people said variations on "Oh, he won't come back, he's far too weak", rather than "well, um, you know, maybe he'll have a rethink soon?".

The latter felt kinder at the time, but wasn't based on any kind of truth. The former was the reality check I ACTUALLY needed to finally get my shit together.

I fully accept that there's no sense in moving on by simply burying our heads in the sand and refusing to look back (in fact, that's why my 1-to-1 courses feature exactly that).

But deciding that chasing after someone who couldn't be bothered to stick around is crucial to moving on and loving your life.

It's one of the hardest things to come to terms with after a breakup or in the wasteland of dating disaster, I know.

But the sooner you realise that chasing after an ex, reliving old moments or torturing yourself with past memories isn't - 99.9% of the time - the path to happiness, you can recalculate your inner Google Map route towards better and brighter things.

For more on how I help my clients actually do this, and more on my 1-to-1 courses, come on over here, and let's chat about how exactly I can help you unf*ck your love life, so you can get you the life and love you want, instead