29/06/2016 07:00 BST | Updated 30/06/2017 06:12 BST

Bipolar Bear

lolostock via Getty Images

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It was the third time I went to the zoo that I started to notice Maurice's fondness of both the lady and the gentlemen bears that frequented the arctic enclosure...


Since I can remember I've always been at one with The Grand Old Duke of York, (when he was up he was up, when he was down he was down) there never seemed to be much in the middle (I'm aware there was a "half way up" for The Grand Old Duke of York but we're not talking about him anymore.)

Towards the end of 2014 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and ever since have been trying different combinations/amounts of meds to attempt to even the extremity of my emotions out. I'd say it's definitely helping.

I run a gig called Barking Tales where the comedians on the bill tell stories/do material that in some way relates to mental health. A lot of the audiences that go tend to have mental health issues myself and are still often surprised to hear of my suffering. I regularly get told the classic "You'd never know it to look at you" and, "You seem like you've got it all together." Believe me I very much do not, the battle in my head is so tiresome. Often I'll smile at someone whilst thinking, "gosh I want to die so much" and I'm by in no means the one swimming in the choppiest water. It's so important to be nice to people because you never know their inner struggle. "Can I get an amen, sista!?"

I've never had a really long term relationship and there's very few people I'm still in touch with from my growing up days. I'd say a lot of that (especially relationship wise) is down to my bipolar and folk not knowing how to manage it. Well if I can't, how can I expect anyone else to? When I was growing up I'm pretty sure it wasn't a 'thing,' I never heard the word being thrown around. Relationship-wise it's always been a case of people wanting to be around for the highs but not for the lows. I know it's a case of those folk aren't worth it then, but it doesn't make it easier knowing why when everyone jumps ship the moment your boat is sinking.

I've recently got with someone and it's such early doors but everything seems to make a bit more sense, I've put most of my shit on the table straight away because I just can't be arsed fannying around to just be disappointed and he hasn't even done a little backwards pigeon step, let alone jumped ship. It all just feels right and there's no niggling gut feeling telling me otherwise like there usually is. Now the battle is to not get immersed in an avalanche of mania, get carried away and get married by the end of the week. Gosh I get swept up. With the right person though none of this will matter. One of my two only friends i've got left from my growing up days said to me once that when you meet the right person it's all a lot easier. That's definitely something to look forward to. I know nothing to do with mental health is ever totally easy but flippin' Nora it'd be lovely having someone in my corner with mighty good sea legs.

Here's hoping.

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