16/06/2016 06:35 BST | Updated 16/06/2017 06:12 BST

Operation Skinny Jean

OMG! Right, I admit, there are going to be a few different camps here. There will be those of you who don't wear skinny jeans and, for those, you can just read and giggle at my expense. There will then be those that wear skinny jeans but who have the figure to wear skinny jeans to match ... you know the type ... the ones whose legs glide effortlessly into the ridiculously skinny denim clad length of material ... with even a little gap between flesh and material ... it's OK, I don't hate you ... you too may giggle at my expense (but only a little!). And then there are those that, OMG I hope there are some of you, that may perhaps sympathise with me and completely get where I am coming from ... the pulling on of skinny jeans over not so much skinny skinny legs ... OMG (yes, I am well aware that that it is the third time I've used that expression in one paragraph ... needs must and all that) why do we even bloody bother?

The fiasco that so accompanies, what I can only call, 'Operation Skinny Jean' is perhaps, well, quite categorically, the most unfeminine range of repeat movements I have ever carried out in all of my entire life. The fact that 'repeat' is in the 'operation' is really very upsetting as I'd like to think that, after all of these years, I would have learnt how to be such an expert in the pulling on of the skinny jean ... and that I had achieved it with some grace and elegance but ... no ... I haven't ... so, the repeat of such movements still has me hanging my head in complete and utter shame ... oh, come on, please tell me I don't need to explain in more detail ... surely you know ... I'm not going to have to spell it out more than there is lots of squatting and grimacing and sweating ... and ... squatting and ... oh let's not forget the occasional high kick thrown in ... goodness I need to stop there ... right there ... people who actually know me read this blog ... but let's suffice to say that there are a few rules to the successful pulling on of skinny jeans ... you'll thank me later, I promise.

1. Keep the bedroom door closed.

2. Do not carry out 'Operation Skinny Jean' in front of the mirror.

3. Keep the bloody bedroom door closed.

4. Do not allow husband or child to watch you carry out 'Operation Skinny Jean.'

5. Oh FFS keep the BLOODY bedroom door closed.

So the general theme is that the trying on of skinny jeans is to be a private affair, otherwise all sanity, dignity and any ounce of feminism will be lost forever ... believe me ... let's just say that my husband's reference to the Michael McIntyre sketch of women putting on tights somewhat mars my unsupported view that I am able to dress myself in an Audrey Hepburn/Parisian style manner at all times and that I had achieved a self-imposed status of having become a sophisticated elegant girl who could rock the pulling on of the skinny jean with expertise and style ... sadly, I think perhaps not, now ... just saying!