Dear Duchess of Cambridge,
Congratulations on the gorgeous Christening of Princess Charlotte! Now Kate - can I call you Kate? I feel like I know you so well as we have so much in common. We both live in London, we both have two kids and we're both married to blokes called Will! SNAP.
Anyway, Kate, welcome to the mother-of-two club. Grab yourself a cuppa and a jaffa cake - here's the Scummy Mummies guide to what life will be like with a toddler and a baby.
1. EXPECT LESS PRESENTS
I know George was inundated with diamond rattles, sports cars and handmade rocking horses from President Obama, but don't expect the same this time round. You'll be lucky if Nick Clegg turns up with a bottle of cava and a packet of Hobnobs.
2. CBEEBIES IS YOUR FRIEND
George will watch a lot more TV over the next year. Just accept this now. Take that rule about one episode of Peppa Pig before bed and throw it in the bin. While you're busy feeding, changing nappies, burping and being generally bloody tired, stick G on the sofa with Mr Tumble and a packet of chocolate biscuits. You'll all be much happier.
3. ALLOW TWO HOURS TO LEAVE THE HOUSE (MINIMUM)
Trying to get out of the front door (or across the moat in your case) will take about 65 times longer than you ever imagined. So if you need to get to Sing and Sign for 11am on Tuesday, start packing on Sunday night. (Better yet, don't bother with Sing and Sign at all - the sooner they can start asking for things, the more trouble for you.)
Here are some things that can happen when trying to leave the house with two small children:
a) Getting the toddler to put their shoes, coat, gloves and/or hat on will involve actual wrestling.
b) You will fail to pack at least one of the following: keys, phone, wallet, sanity.
c) You will agree to take along a ridiculously over-sized toy, just because you want to leave the house some time before midnight.
d) The moment you are finally ready to walk out the door, someone will need the potty or a
e) All of the above.
4. FORGET THE ORGANIC KALE SMOOTHIES
The second child eats crap much earlier than the first. I know it's hard to believe now, but in 12 months' time the little Princess will be sucking on a chicken nugget and knocking back Haribo at a birthday party like tequila shots.
Here's the good news: you won't care, because your children will be happy and quiet, and someone will have just given you a glass of white wine. You must drink that wine, Kate. Just stop whatever you're doing for five minutes and Drink. That. Wine.
5. YOUR BOOBS ARE HEADING SOUTH
Yes, right now you're full of milk and you look like Dolly Parton. But soon those milk floats will make a bee-line for your navel. Sorry, K-Mo. My advice is to buy some good bras from Marks and Sparks - the fancy ones, not the two-packs. You'll thank me later.
6. YOUR MARRIAGE WILL GO WONKY FOR A BIT
I am sure your Will is a real sweetheart and super hands-on, but having a second kid puts a big strain on your relationship. There won't be as much time to sit around staring at your new baby, because someone needs to make sure the first kid is alive.
You'll probably both be a bit more sweary, maybe even shouty - this is perfectly normal. When things get tough, drink some wine together and laugh at some cat videos on YouTube. This will do wonders for your relationship. I'm sure it's what's kept the Queen and Phil together all this time.
7. WATCH OUT FOR GRANDPARENT FATIGUE
I know this sounds harsh but the grandparents will be less interested in number two, or more specifically, looking after two kids. So expect the babysitting offers to dwindle. You'll find Charles is suddenly doing the garden all the time, while Camilla is busy with her charity work.
8. FEEL THE LOVE, IN A DIFFERENT WAY
Of course you will love Charlotte as much as you love George. But you won't have the same amount of time or energy to devote to them. After two years of sleep deprivation, your attention to detail will be lacking. You won't mind so much if she isn't dressed in matching Gap separates, or hasn't mastered downward-facing dog at Baby Yoga, or started talking by the age of six.
Don't worry, though - Charlotte will probably turn out more to be relaxed and well-adjusted as a result. Just look at Uncle Harry, he's a HOOT!
Well, I think that covers everything. The thing is, Midders, life with two kids is hectic, noisy, chaotic and twice as stinky. But it's wonderful, because you also get twice the giggles, smiles and cuddles. So enjoy the gorgeous, fabulous mess your life has just become. I'll see you for a latte and a muffin down High St Ken Starbucks.
Yours in scumminess,