Fox Only Guilty of Friendship

16/10/2011 23:56 BST | Updated 16/12/2011 10:12 GMT

Over the weekend, friendship died. Liam Fox resigned, and I guess afterwards Adam Werritty had to hold a pretend press conference where he announced that he was resigning as fake special advisor to Fox. The make-believe event was attended mostly by pixies, elves and The Independent.

I for one was sad to see Fox go. His only crime was friendship. His chief misdemeanour* was loyalty. Like with Coulson before him, there's a perfectly logical explanation to everything that's gone on - one that no doubt will emerge in Sir Gus O'Donnell's report on Tuesday.

For example, the MoD's account of the whole affair was pretty convincing - Werritty was traveling with Fox in a purely "personal capacity". They were just MATES on a ROAD TRIP, guys. And if you wanted a fun time why wouldn't you go to Bahrain? In December? A quick look at the Bahraini tourism website offers a tantalising peek of what Werritty and Fox might have got up to on their non-defence-related trip. Did somebody say Arabic calligraphy exhibition?

Then there's the fact that Werritty made business cards claiming to be Fox's advisor - again, let's not make a mountain of corruption out of a mole hill of secretive, high-level unexplained actions. On my last birthday my mate David went down Print Republic and got me a hundred business cards naming me "James Moran - Professor of Sex, Widegirth University". And that's fine because everyone knows it's not true - I'm only a visiting lecturer.

In any case, the sense of worry the public had about Werritty's role has already been put to rest by the group of anonymous, wealthy private backers said last week they were funding the whole thing. Thank god! It was just the guys in cloaks and Eye Wide Shut-style masks, guys! Everyone can stop being worried now! These backers apparently funded all of Werritty's travel because he was someone who could be relied on to tout "Eurosceptic, pro-American and pro-Israeli policies". Yes. Because Liam Fox - member of the Conservative Friends of Israel and director of The Atlantic Bridge - simply wasn't pro-Israel, pro-US or Eurosceptic enough for these guys. They needed someone who would go that extra mile and dress up in an innovative Hassidic Uncle Sam costume whilst complaining about oblong cucumbers or whatever.

So it's been a sad few days for loyalty and friendship. It is my strong belief that this close friendship only served Britain's interests. In his role as pretend advisor to Fox, he will have been able to offer invaluable made-up insights into a non-existent military career. Limited only by his imagination, this service record could have included taking Omaha beach whilst wearing a tuxedo, holding Rorke's Drift whilst pulling a fit girl and punching Hitler on the knob. All pretty impressive, I think you'll agree.

But Werritty had to go because apparently service and friendship don't count for a hill of beans anymore. Fly the flag at half-mast. Friendship is dead.

*Incidentally, Chief Misdemeanour is the name of one of Fox's other advisors at the Ministry of Defence.