THE BLOG
20/11/2013 11:34 GMT | Updated 25/01/2014 16:01 GMT

Lady Gaga's Next Video

Script discovered by Astonishing Sod. (top secret, so don't tell ANYBODY) INT. FLOTATION TANK - WHENEVER Close-up of a FOOT covered in SNAILS. It is LADY GAGA's foot (one of). We see the snails moving around. Footage is 100 times the normal speed... This bit lasts for four minutes.

Script discovered by Astonishing Sod.

(top secret, so don't tell ANYBODY)

INT. FLOTATION TANK - WHENEVER

Close-up of a FOOT covered in SNAILS. It is LADY GAGA's foot (one of). We see the snails moving around. Footage is 100 times the normal speed. There is a contact mic on her foot; we hear the snails moving, but it is of course really fast and super gross. In the background is a low sub-bass rumble. This bit lasts for four minutes.

EXT. MINEFIELD - MORNING

An aerial view of an empty minefield in the depths of winter. Dozens of tattered flags have been planted in the frozen ground. A feather falls slowly from the sky. When it lands, there is an enormous explosion, and in its wake, we are left looking at THE EARTH'S OWN THROAT. Frenzied MICE tumble into the void. There are purple tendrils reaching downward into the depths of the earth. And tinsel, lots of tinsel, more than you could ever afford.

INT. ORPHANAGE ON A SPACE STATION - BETWEEN LUNCHTIME AND NAPTIME

We track through its smelly corridors (smelliness is implied) until we reach the REPOPULATION WARD. The doors open and we see a thousand diamanté cots. All the babies are Lady Gaga, but Aboriginal and wearing Ray-Bans. A cubic mirrorball hangs from the ceiling. Suddenly, the cots disintegrate and the BABY GAGAS float silently upward. Some hack plays harpsichord offscreen. We experience this for six minutes. Fade to mauve. A nasty kind of mauve.

EXT. AN ENDLESS GANGPLANK IN SPACE - NIGHT

Lady Gaga (adult) and several DANCERS, all naked and pixelated except for their genitals, are frozen in awkward positions. They begin bodypopping. There is no music; instead, a recording of a man clearing his throat and then sneezing is played eight times. It's very cutting-edge sneezing.

EXT. A REMOTE VILLAGE IN THE OUTBACK - EARLY EVENING

A small, bearded CHILD is beatboxing, but only with sneezes (due to poverty?). Twelve HOODED FIGURES, with ARTS KOUNCIL printed on their cloaks, stand in a circle around the child, bending slightly at the knees and pretending to consider a grant application. A fire happens in reverse in the window of a nearby farmhouse. Lady Gaga is standing on a space hopper in a tree, wearing a bottom (obviously fake) strapped to her chest. She wags her finger disapprovingly at the farmhouse.

EXT. A FOREST IN THE HILLS - TWILIGHT

We hear the screech of brakes. A DEER moonwalks across the screen, somehow looking terrified (CGI?). The doors of a clown car are flung open, and we see that Lady Gaga has kidnapped JEAN-PAUL GAULTIER and taken him here for whatever. He appears simultaneously aghast and kinda-in-on-it. Lady Gaga emerges from the clown car, only clothed in the places in which she has specifically asked to be clothed. (So: diamond beard, satin elbow tassels, one glass wellington boot, half a bra - distressed denim - and that's basically it.) She leads him into the forest with a chain, one end of which is around his neck, the other up her bum. The TREES look fierce and vacuous. There are no actual clowns in Lady Gaga's ENTOURAGE, just a handful of what can only be described as "enablers".

EXT. PLASTIC GROTTO IN THE FOREST - NIGHT

Three cages hang from the trees; in each sits a prominent intellectual (CHOMSKY, ECO, HITCHENS), none of whom is entirely down with this whole situation. A trapdoor opens in the forest floor and thousands of WORMS shoot out into the canopy. This event triggers the opening chords (Ebmaj7, Gmin13) of the song. Gaultier recoils, as well he might. We notice several upside-down cars in the distance, each of which has a flaccid penis where its exhaust pipe should be. Lady Gaga tears a branch from a tree and plays it like an oboe. She's pretty good. As the camera circles the group, we see some Baby Gagas smoking hookahs in the trees. They're wearing Babienne Westwood.

EXT. THE UNIVERSE - BIRTH THEREOF

A flashback, with added lasers and mainstream dubstep. This looks wild, goes on for about 12 minutes, and is light on narrative details, save for a spray of stardust that momentarily resembles a bum with a chain coming out of it. Also, there's an unexpected - some would say incongruous and excessive - jazz fight. Jarring. We'll go with "jarring".

EXT. PLASTIC GROTTO IN THE FOREST - NIGHT

The song continues and Jean-Paul Gaultier produces a magical titanium scimitar from a tree hollow. He slices the chain in twain, and turns in slo-mo to face Lady Gaga, who starts swinging the rest of the chain (still hanging out of her bum) like she's a sideways flesh helicopter. They circle each other menacingly while dancing choreographically. Some GHOST HEDGEHOGS scuttle off into the distance, only to be blown up by landmines. The babies in the treetops are busy building a system of rope bridges and are working far too hard, and for far too little, to be concerned about what's happening below. The fourth chorus ends and the witch-house interlude begins; the trees reveal their huge, frightening mouths, which they open wide to vomit snails all over everything. Some WOLVES abseil down treetrunks and sweep up snails with their tails.

EXT. A CLEARING IN THE FOREST - PAST YOUR BEDTIME

A TINY OLD TELEVISION SET has been hollowed out and placed on a tree stump. We see, in quick succession: a Lego Christmas tree twirling atop an old dinner plate; a chicken bone doing yoga; square-dancing headlines from a Russian newspaper, a miniature brick wall which is constantly building and/or unbuilding itself, a fish tank containing sausages and blood. The television is smashed with an electricity hammer, in super slo-mo, by a furious Baby Gaga, who then smiles awkwardly and fires a gun into the sky. Lady Gaga sits on a cloud, breastfeeding a snail. The snail takes a break, turns to the camera and mouths the word REPENT. Fade to mauve.

DURATION: 53 of your Earth minutes.

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This piece will appear in Astonishing Sod's first book, I'm With "I'm With Stupid".

For more of his writing, visit his website.