20/09/2013 12:33 BST | Updated 20/11/2013 05:12 GMT

Impractical Skills

I have no practical skills. None. I can't put up shelves, build a shed or fix anything. I want to be able to hammer stuff and saw it and nail it and drill it and by 'it' I do mean something that actually needs hammering, nailing or drilling not just random things in the house, "The TV's not working? Don't worry I've got a drill in the shed..."

I wouldn't mind but I also missed out on the gene that gives you an interest in make up, fashion or clothes. Any attempt at applying lipstick has left me looking like Robert Smith and the one time I did wear heels I ended up waddling through the room like I had a pair of tin cans tied to my feet with string. I am also completely out of my depth in most fashion stores. I shop like a lot of blokes which basically involves walking in grabbing a pair of trousers, a t-shirt, belt, socks and LEAVING.

Go into a women's clothes store and it's a bloody minefield. The choice is overwhelming! High-waisted, low slung, skinny, boot cut and slim fit and that's just the bloody jeans. The fact is I'm never going to be that woman that chooses a top because it matches the zip in my boots. I'm that other woman that buys three pairs of identical trousers because she can't believe they fit.

So when it comes to all this things DIY I feel cheated because as a gay woman I should be good at this sort of thing. Most people imagine that lesbians are good with their hands... well more like fingers really. We don't use the whole hand, I mean you could but she'd have to really like you.

In my head I am brilliant at DIY and I want to be able to say things like, "Pass me the Phillips screwdriver will you?" "You want a use square drill head for that..." I would love to be one of those lesbians that can deal with any kind of DIY emergency. Just walk up to a group of men and say, "Step aside fellas, I know what's going on here." I even want my voice to get several octaves lower, "Mate, you're gonna need to use a 0.3 screw, and I've got some raw plugs in my pocket that should do the trick." I don't actually know what a raw plug is but it sounds like the kind of sex toy I'd be inclined to avoid.

The truth is there are more things I can't do than can. I can't play a musical instrument, or draw, I'm shit at Maths and Science in fact I'm pretty rubbish at any subject that doesn't require a punch line. Despite the fact that I am clearly of below average intellect, it hasn't dented my confidence. In fact I would say that my confidence is almost directly related to how little I know about any subject. A bit like stand up comedy - I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing half the time but I'm incredibly confident doing it.

The less I know what I'm talking about the more confident I become. It's not just me EVERYONE in my family is guilty of doing this. I've never seen a group of people manage to pull out so many statistics in any given conversation. 38% of this 49% of that! WE KNOW STUFF. Even though the truth is WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. My lack of detailed knowledge in almost everything including my own tax return means I have a vague understanding of a lot of things but no real understanding of anything. My Mum started us on this journey, never to be outdone in an argument she will come back at you with made up statistics that you can only defend yourself with alternative made up stats, "I am telling you Jennifer 89% of men are probably rapists." WHAT? 89% of men are not rapists Mum! "Jennifer I did not say they are rapists I'm saying they are potential rapists." "Ok, what about the other 11%? "You don't have to worry about them, they are gay."

So with all the confidence of a woman who has no idea what the hell she's doing I'm going to sit back and watch my girlfriend unblock the drains. It's for the best.