I still don't think I have really come to terms with my new body. While it's easy to adopt the attitude, 'out of sight, out of mind' - they are definitely not out of mind - I am wanting to put Baxter into swimming lessons, my partner hates water/swimming so that leaves me. Yet I am scared to bare my skin and get in the water. I can wear a singlet and cover up as much as possible but I know the whole time my anxiety will be through the roof. I shouldn't even be making it about me, I want Baxter to be comfortable in the water and learn to enjoy it and be safe, yet I'm more concerned about overcoming this fear of my own.
It's selfish I know, others are having issues falling pregnant and I'm moaning about my stretch marks, marks which without, I wouldn't have my kids. I am truly grateful for my children. I just wish I'd been smarter about making more of an active effort to lessen the damage done. I was lazy and figured I was lucky and wouldn't get them as at 30+ weeks I had nothing and then boom. My belly was so big a lot of them I didn't even notice forming under my bump. Not everybody gets them, and if you didn't get any - consider yourself extremely lucky.
My stomach has never and will never be the same but I am really trying to accept my new body. I have never been one to show a lot of skin anyway and I'm a super self conscious person but this is just taking it to a whole new level.
My stretch marks are bad. They look like I've been attacked by a wild animal (maybe that'd be a better story to roll with). They're deep and almost look like burns. I know they will fade over time but I think with the extent of them, it's likely they'll always be quite prominent. The tattoo is ruined, but I am not bothered as I hated it anyway.
I heard a quote the other day, "For every woman who hates her stretch marks there is a woman wishing she had them". It really got me thinking. Thinking about the new body I have. I am thankful everyday, don't get me wrong. The stretch marks a part of me now, a part I am yet to fully accept.
Whilst I am almost back to my pre-pregnancy weight, my body is most certainly not the same but I am OK with that. Am I really? Yes and no. I wish I didn't have my stretch marks but they also tell a story and I now have two beautiful children to show for it. It's funny because I weigh the same but I am different size and body shape now, my boobs went from a C to a DD and I am not even breastfeeding anymore. I don't fit any of my old clothes and I can't stand anything that is tight fitting, although I never did, to be honest.
Three months on from baby #2 and I don't think I can say I 'love' my body but I am coming to terms with the fact that this is my body now. Not everybody gets stretch marks, yay you. I did, and it's really not the end of the world. It's my body, there is f*ck all I can do to change it so I just have to deal with it and learn to accept it.
So here I am, baring it all to you. If anybody else is in the same boat you'll know you are not alone. It's tough, I won't lie. I feel sad when I see people bounce back from their pregnancies. I don't wish for a perfect body, I just wish I could be comfortable and confident in myself. It will come with time I am sure. I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight but I will never have my old body back. My entire body shape is different and I've come to terms with that so it's just a case of working on the scarring and that little joey pouch. I look in the mirror and I don't like the person I see anymore.
Tomorrow is a new day and I make a vow to myself that I am going to learn to love this new body and take steps to get into a position where I can say that I am happy and comfortable in my own skin.
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