Make It Stop! The Jolly British Gas Hive Advert Is Destroying My Life

22/05/2014 09:40 BST | Updated 20/07/2014 10:59 BST

Despite the fact that temperatures have been reaching tropical levels in the South East in recent days I am continuing to be stalked by British Gas adverts every time I visit Spotify or You Tube or listen to my favourite indie rock radio station. In particular I am being stalked by the British Gas advert for Hive - their snazzy new home heating controlling gadget and smartphone app which they are advertising via the medium of the world's most annoying song. It is following me everywhere.

In the song we are informed that we could be "making origami from a slice of beef pastrami or having a kick about with a team of giant trout" alongside other hilarious propositions whilst "Hive is controlling our heating at home".

I have heard this jingle so many times that it haunting my dreams. But what is it really all about? As well as controlling my heating does Hive come with some free hallucinogenic drugs that will enable me to go on a day long psychedelic bender without the usual worry that I've left the boiler on full? Have I missed a remake of the Bedknobs & Broomsticks football match? Have bees, tired of just making honey, diversified into the supply and management of combi-boilers? Are the target market of energy companies the inhabitants of prams and buggies for whom dancing octopuses and football playing fish commonplace characters?

Or could it be an attempt by British Gas to make us think they are a nice, friendly ,fuzzy wuzzy. likkle company just like Innocent smoothies or Lush addressing us in lower case Helvetica and folk songs rather than the dastardly capitalist suppliers of excessively expensive gas and electricity who usually address us in the form of red bills for "how £***ing much?". Yes, it might be that.

There are, I suspect, some adults who will be seduced by this kind of jolly CBeebies singalong advert. Who will merrily have their brain wiped clean of all the bad news stories that have plagued the energy industry and from now on look at British Gas as Brian Cant would Humpty - with fondness and kindness. Aren't they silly and sweet?

I'm afraid I am not one of them. I have no desire to attend an elephant's birthday party (terrible taste in music - marching bands) or fold some cured meat with an octopus pal. And I don't need to purchase a gadget that as far as I can tell has absolutely no point whatsoever. I can control my heating with these things called hands.

It is now the summertime and for a few precious weeks we don't need to worry about the high cost of heating our homes. So please British Gas turn off the ads for a bit will you.