This took me about 2 years to write, and will only take you about 2 minutes to read.
"Jordi, I don't know what I want to do with my life." She confusedly said as we're laying in bed.
"That's OK, we'll go through a plan first thing in the morning, take stock, write down some goals etc etc." I respond, being the positive boyfriend.
"You don't understand ........ That........ includes......... you". She quietly says, almost in slow motion.
It was over.
There's A First For Everything
I'm far from perfect. I used my twenties trying to figure out how the hell relationships were supposed to work and could easily be the main character in a book titled "How To Be A God-Awful Boyfriend". Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, but we're always our own worst critic.
So, I'd never been dumped before. Let me get this straight - at 30 years old, I'd never been dumped before. I guess I'd never really emotionally invested in anyone enough to make a real effort before. Once things were becoming too "routine", it was pretty much time to close the chapter and move on - that's how I always saw it anyway, thus never having to suffer through the pain of trying to mend a broken heart.
But now, my time had come.
The Penny Dropped
This was it. I had to be strong, it was the only choice I had. I couldn't lay in my own filth, crying whilst watching "The Notebook" shaking the debris of a Pringle's can into my mouth. I had to be proactive, fun, happy, positive, ambitious, the life of the party - and then the penny dropped. That's what I was like before I'd met her and slowly over time, I'd compromised my lifestyle so much that I wasn't really even "me" anymore.
I learnt pretty quickly that life doesn't stop for you and that you just have to keep on moving. I refocused. Set my goals around all of the things I wanted to do just for me. I had nobody else to think about but myself for the first time in a while, and I was learning pretty quickly that being dumped was just too common for me to feel unique. Nobody cared about my sob story, so I stopped telling it and stopped feeling sorry for myself.
You Know What - She Was Right
When we broke up she said, "Jords, you might not see it right now, but this will be better for both of us in the long run."
Over time, looking at things in retrospect, she was 100% right. At the time I was thinking more about the loss of someone close to me. Now, 2 years on, I can't believe we stayed together as long as we did. Nothing against her, but she was younger and we were in completely different stages of our lives. We both had a lot of growing up to do - just in different directions, and certainly not with each other.
Hindsight's Such a Beautiful Thing
I think I was more in love with the idea of what we had than ever actually being in love with her as a person. When we broke up I was hurting more from the rejection and searching for answers rather than her not being in my life. I never "needed" somebody in my life to feel complete, and I don't think I ever will. I'd always imagined being able to look somebody in the eye and say "my life is better with you in it", and I guess looking back at it all with her, sadly it was worse. We were never going to get married, have kids, a dog, a mortgage or white picket fence so it was definitely better to have it finish then and there than draw it out to a point where things got really ugly.
No Hard Feelings
I completely forgive her for what she did, it might not have been the right way to do things, but there's never an easy way to do it - and people are always going to get hurt regardless. I've always wished her nothing but the best.
We don't speak anymore, and I'm perfectly fine with that. In fact, I don't know what I'd even have to say to her if we randomly saw each other on the street. We're leading completely separate lives and what happened in the past is definitely going to stay there.
Breakups are hard, no matter what side you are on. There'll be moments when you think there's no light at the end of that tunnel, but it takes time, and those wounds will heal. How long it will take, who knows.
Now, I'm happier than I've ever been. The things I'm achieving now - I never would have achieved had we still been together. For this, I have to thank her because getting dumped was the best thing that could have happened to me.