19/12/2016 09:41 GMT | Updated 20/12/2017 05:12 GMT

No, We Don't Fancy All The Ladies

This is for the straight women I have known. Not the straight women I have shared raucous laughter with over ice cream and cigarettes. Not the straight women who have been unafraid to greet me with a friendly hug or look me in the eye. Not for the straight women who have sat down with me and actually had a proper conversation that had made us both smile or drown our sorrows over relationship tears. Not even for the ones who have introduced me to great telly.

No, this is for the straight women who I just can't understand.

What is your problem?

I am bisexual. That means I like individuals of the same gender and other. It does not mean I am into threesomes or anthills of orgies. Not all of us like to share. We can still use the same restroom, I have no interest in breaking down cubicle doors nor getting turned on to the sounds of a woman grunting while she takes a dump. When I ask you where did you get that dress or shoes it does not mean I am asking for a shopping date, because you wouldn't stand a chance against this bargain princess. If I ask to keep in touch, that does not mean I am going to send you messages of undying love at three in the morning or ever, for that matter. If I am looking at your figure or hair it's because I am wondering, gee I used to be that size and have those tresses-how come she rocks it better than me? You're welcome - there's no need to tug the skirt down or collar up. If I was to, God forbid, ask you to join me for a night out with other friends, that does not mean I am going to skinny dip you in chocolate and throw you to the mud wrestling lesbians. If I offer to give you a lift, that does not mean I am going to kidnap you in a tow truck meant for an ex female partner. Joining me for lunch doesn't mean a session of feeding each other sausage rolls and oysters between toe sucking. And when I compliment your make up it does not mean that I want to lick the foundation off your face.

It may sound like a bag of Harry Ramsden's on my shoulder but with us bisexuals, this is the load we get All.The.Time. Much has been said about the treatment of bisexuals by our gay cousins- we're appreciated as much as stray chewing gum on a new hairdo - ignore it till you can hack it off. However with the straights, who somehow acknowledge us more into actual existence, there is also cause to be wary. We're called confused, sluts, sexual experiments or all three. Not something you pair up with idealised femininity is it now?

Again this is not against heterosexual women in general but rather the ones who choose to remain subconsciously in fear of women who are attracted to the same sex. Here's news for you. Not all queer women fancy you. Even if they did, they mostly wouldn't tell you, let alone act on it. The ones who do, run a risk of being rejected, a price to pay more on their side than yours. It is strange that someone who is so self assured about their heterosexuality can think they can tap in psychically to someone who is attracted to the same gender and think 'Yep. They're queer. They must fancy me.' Confidence overload? I think not. This is thought by same type of woman will go to a bar, shy away from a guy who clearly likes her, douse herself in makeup and hairspray every half hour only pluck up the courage to agree to a date with him after ten rounds of shots named after a bastardised karma sutra. And if she ends up face down in her own spew after a heavy drinking session apparently that's when us gay and bi women must especially keep away lest we be tempted to give her the kiss of life or more. Mmm, loving that bile.

Do us Bi Women think that the whole world is out there for us to shag? I have yet to meet any bisexual person who does. I have met straight women who don't identify as queer, but have slept with women. That's cool. I know lots of straight women who wouldn't even consider that. That's cool too. Whether or not a straight woman may cross our minds sexually is a separate matter. I personally don't see the point in being attracted to a non reciprocal cause but that's just me. If other queer women have given you wrong ideas then fair enough, it isn't nice but please don't tar us with the same brush. We're sure of our sexuality-don't take it out on us if you are not sure of yours.

Now, about you Sir...