15/02/2017 09:06 GMT | Updated 16/02/2018 05:12 GMT

Aren't Babies Meant To Sleep?!

Of course they sleep, otherwise they'd be dead. But only on their terms. And woe betide you if you activate The Curse.

Let me explain. The Curse was created by a particularly malevolent baby and is activated the moment you become smug about your baby's sleep. Beware. Smugness can be implicit - it doesn't have to be spoken out loud - but once you have a smug thought, you are doomed.

Baby Edie struck me down around 10.5 weeks old when I'd been openly smug about her sleeping through for nearly two weeks. Beginner's error. Such transgressions were promptly punished and she didn't really sleep well again until pushing seven months. Even now she likes to keep me on my toes, as if to remind me of past failings. A cold room for example will send her a-squawking at the unholy hour of 5am so I am always on guard, waiting for her to detonate.

However, all is not lost if you follow these two simple rules. You can negate the affects of The Curse before activation if you say 'touch wood.' This needs to be said every time you say or even THINK something smug, otherwise you'll be struck down and your baby will never sleep again.

Another tip to avoid The Curse is to continue to prepare milk/have boobs on standby for months after baby sleeps through just in case. I kept Aptamil and a sterilised bottle beside me for a good six months with Isla and it worked like a charm.

At present, mine sleep ok at night. This is good and I am not going to complain (touch wood!) However, both are very inflexible. They only sleep in beds. Make that cages. In dark, bat caves. Not a chink of light dares to interrupt their slumber. This I learnt to my peril when we visited Australia with Isla and it was impossible to transform her room (or ensuite) into a comforting bat cave. Seeing 4.45am on the alarm clock when I was rudely woken by her joyful barking was a memory I'm still recovering from.

A buggy or car seat is also treated with the disdain it deserves. 'But all children sleep in cars!' I hear you cry. Not mine. I shudder as I recall countless journeys up the M1 to Newcastle with Isla screaming bloody murder as I fruitlessly attempted to transform her car seat into a soothing bat cave, whilst singing 'twinkle twinkle' into its dark folds. Both mine slept like angels in the buggy - 2/3 hour stretches up to four months - and I thought I had it made. Then bam! Game over.

You know you're a baby bore when you are intimately familiar with every aspect of your child's sleep cycle. In fact you know it better than your own.

Please check out my blog at www.confessionsofababybore.blog