The Greek 2012 Elections, Retold

The votes are in. The Greek people have spoken. And what they have said is "F***. Off".

The votes are in. The Greek people have spoken. And what they have said is "F**k. Off".

My fear was that the Greeks, scared, tired and resigned, would vote for the same two big parties that have ruled the country since 1974 and have made a big, fat, Greek mess of it. But I hadn't counted on anger. Oh, the Greeks were angry. Livid. Raging.

Anyone following the Greek elections on 6 May, saw the Greeks essentially turn their backs on the two leading parties by giving both of them a total of 32% of the vote. The rest of parliament is now filled by a radical left party led by the youngest party leader in Greece's history, an extreme right-wing party with violent tendencies, a communist party, a newly formed populist right wing party and another left-wing party that is a tear-away from the radical left one.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and the Greek people are that woman. They've been in an unhappy and deteriorating relationship for years and they stayed because of habit, finances and the children.

In the beginning it was all so good. When the Greek people met their partner (in this metaphor that's the two leading parties, we all got that, yes? good) they were both so young and in love. They looked into each other's eyes and they knew, they just knew, that this was The One.

The first few years were magical. So much joy and hope and laughter. But inevitably, after some time, they started drifting apart. The Greek people's partner had a couple of affairs and started gambling. He tried to assuage his guilt by giving the Greek people anything they wanted. Designer goods and new cars and fancy homes. They went on five star holidays and held lavish parties. They started getting into debt. He gambled more to cover their losses and only managed to get in deeper. He was too frightened to tell the Greek people and the Greek people didn't want to see. They had gotten used to the lifestyle. The Greek people knew they should leave but it's difficult, you know? Thirty five years together and a house to die for and they'd be giving all this up for what? An uncertain future alone? The singles market is vicious. Better to stay put.

Then it all came crashing down. The Greek people were appalled to realise that their partner had gambled away all their hard-earned money. With no money to cover the cracks, they both found themselves staring into the gaping void of their relationship. And he just kept on gambling, placing an unbearable burden on the Greek people. They had massive arguments, fuelled by recriminations and hate. The breaking point came when he sold their house to buy himself entry to an exclusive poker game.

So the Greek people, hurt, confused and incredibly angry, packed their bags and left. Now newly single, they have done what every newly single person does. They have gone on the rebound. They are having wild, rebound sex. With lots of other political parties. And angry, hurt people don't make rational, level-headed choices. They're driven by vengeance, a need to forget, a need to prove they can start again. So their rebound choices are not wise ones. Some chose the toy boy full of vaguely formed leftist ideals and just so young! Others like the big, muscly guy that rides a bike and beats up everyone he doesn't like the look of; "he makes me feel safe, y'know?" Or the communist writer who spouts dead ideology but looks so constant. Their ex's best friend who always had a soft spot for them. That weird guy they used to make fun of but who suddenly looks so intriguing. Anyone, anyone who isn't their ex.

These elections were a rebound phase. And the Greeks needed it. They need the rebound sex, it's cathartic. They need it to feel they still have a choice, to gain back control, to say "f**k you" to their ex. Be a good friend and be happy for them for leaving that dead relationship. Don't judge them too harshly. They ran away blindly, without looking where they were going, but they ran away all the same. Please help them calm down, look around and take stock. See them out of their rebound phase. Make sure they don't get stuck in it or get back with their ex. Be supportive. They've had their foolish little hearts broken.


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