Domestic abuse is a terribly serious subject, and one who everyone always says they would report in the first instance - I for one would like to think that if anyone lifted a finger to hurt me, I'd have their ass thrown in jail immediately. Unfortunately, the stats show differently and as I've never had it happen to me first hand, I can't explain why so many men and women stand by the people who hurt them. I know I'm very lucky not to have first hand knowledge.
But in this instance I'd like to take a moment to leave the physical abuse for another time, and for someone better qualified than I to discuss, and talk about the mental abuse which happens in relationships, friendships and through work. Bullies come in many different guises and for most it's always a slow route to the eventual destruction of a persons spirit.
A lady, lets call her 'S' is caught between a rock and hard place. 'S' feels love for her man and is told she's loved in return, but how do you explain that the right kind of adoration doesn't come with boundaries or accusations? Being in a committed and grown up relationship is supposed to add to your life. Having a partner standing by you through thick and this is supposed to be a good thing, isn't it? If you're over 30 there is no room for name calling or behaving like a jealous teenager. This person, we'll call him 'Q' is twisting his words around, every scenario has a different explanation for why she is in the wrong. He is simply a victim of circumstance. She doesn't understand the stresses on him, she's adding to them in fact. She just has no idea, apparently.
My advice is to put some distance between each other - let things calm down, but hours after agreeing with me she's back listening to a brand new reason for why whatever they were fighting about was raised.
Have I taken a time machine back a few decades? Today it's her hormones. Really? Tomorrow it will be wine. The next day it will be that she didn't listen to previous explanations and it's her own fault for misunderstanding.
I'm adrift in a sea of misunderstanding myself. And fear because I am so worried that someone this close to me can be so deluded. It has taken such a small amount of time for her thinking to be completely turned in another direction. She sees things in a darker shade now despite the fact that I'm the pessimist and she was always the optimist. Perhaps that's why she's trying so hard to fix this.
But broken people can't be fixed unless they want to be, and they're the only ones who can do it. She isn't responsible for why he feels so sad
It's a tricky minefield because unless you see proof like a bruise or obvious beating, most people don't tend to speak up. But I see the pain and I feel the battering of that special spark as she fights for what she thinks is right. So I donning my own battle gear and will be just as relentless in saving her mind from being twisted apart. The only thing I can do is remain strong and continue my attempts to guide her. I want her to make her own mind up, and I want her to be happy. Being content is just not good enough.