28/01/2012 15:55 GMT | Updated 29/03/2012 06:12 BST

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: A Fond Farewell

When you experience a breakup your emotions are all over the place; you don't get dressed until at least 3pm (on a good day) and mainly eat Weetabix day after day just to stay alive. My weekend is consisting of all the above after three passionate weeks with a bunch of hot celebrities has come to an abrupt end. Yes Celeb Big Bro was always honest and upfront with me, this was never going to be a long term thing, but it didn't stop me getting emotionally involved and attached. One by one they left me, until an "Ulkira" was pulled when Denise was announced as the winner.

Was the UK's loosest woman a worthy winner? It's a yes from me, as she was the perfect housemate; giving us laughter, drama, tears and tits. I must find out her make up tips, as I am attending a Priscilla Queen of The Desert themed party in the next few weeks.

Nice guys obviously do finish last, as Gareth claimed the bronze and fun time Frankie Panky clinched the silver as well as a change of public opinion at the same time. I give it a week before pictures of him covered in his own sick, being thrown out of a Lahdan hot spot with Kirk Borecross , are splashed across The Sun front page. Michael once said that Frankie "has the tiger by the tail"; the only tail he'll be holding is his own after getting no action in the house.

The final saw the return of the booted out celebs, and it's nice to see that Natasha was sporting her favourite colour of red; who'd of Imogened she could pull such a bold move...

Natalie Cassidy obviously didn't receive the 'every girl must wear a bodycon dress' memo prior to the final. It seems if you have a plastic chest, a 12 year old boys waist and no ass then you simply have to hop aboard the TOWIE conveyor belt of beauty and hoist yourself in to one of those tight creations; you won't be able to breathe but damn you'll look fiiiinnnneee.

Each series of Big Brother has its memorable moments, but when celebrities are involved it enters a whole new level of entertainment. If three weeks ago someone had told me that Michael Madsen would accuse Denise Welch of being 'emotionally disturbed', that Denise would offend a Playmate by pulling her pants down, that Frankie would get no action, that Romeo would be duller than Georgia's personality and that Andrew Stone would go down like a lead balloon (actually I figured that one out for myself) then there would be more chance of Amy Child's getting a second series than me believing that.

Big Brother may have lost a fair few viewers since hopping over to Channel 5 and losing Davina "Don't say f**k or bugger" McCall, but it continues to be drama that writes itself. Yes, they are given tasks and put into awkward situations, but this is the name of the game to fast track you to fame; if you haven't performed a lewd act while drunk or cried like a baby fully clothed in the shower for millions to see, then you are never going to gain VIP club access or take Brian Dowling's job.

Dithering Dowling was very obviously nervous during the live final, and he shouldn't jot down 'interview skills' on his CV just yet, but his camp quips and innuendoes do tick all the right boxes for me; nothing to do with me being a huge fag hag of course.

Favourite moments of the final for me were realising that the twin's bums remind me of a duck, and Frankie's admission that he doesn't like Andrew Stone; the Starman was trying to laugh it off but you just know he hit the after party bar hard while constantly referring to himself in the third person.

We have a fair few months to wait until the next round of Big Brother, and I have decided not to enter as earlier today a homeless man kept perving on my behind as I was withdrawing some money, and it made me feel so uncomfortable I cannot imagine the prying eyes and chorus of boos as I totter down the runway before entering the house of horrors; I'll leave that to the wannabe Jordan's and Joey Essex's.