1. If you are tired after a hard day at work and you can't be bothered to move off the sofa - Lay a sleeping baby on your chest and remind your wife of the importance of tummy time. If baby wakes, a dog or cat will make a good replacement!
2. Wife calls you to say she is off to pilates this evening so you will need to watch the kids - Take a detour on your way home from work to pick up a four pack of beer to make the evening more bearable!
3. When picking up said beer from shop - also buy milk to make the shop assistant think that you are a good dad looking out for your babies nourishment and don't just buy beer in there four times a week!
4. Getting a good night sleep is essential to being a happy daddy - Should your baby cry at night I highly recommend keeping a good set of ear plugs nearby!
5. Kids need vegetables with dinner - Boil some peas in the kettle. Why waste time washing up a pan. Just remember to remove any that got trapped by the filter before your wife attempts to make a cup of tea!
6. Wife goes on a rare night out and you have strict instructions regarding kids bed time - Ignore all said instructions, give them all the forbidden snacks they want in front of a movie and let them fall asleep on the sofa without brushing their teeth. Maximum points for dad!
7. Toilet training your toddler - When leaving the house, sneak a pull up nappy on them to save yourself the trouble of dealing with any little accidents. Then gloat to your wife that you were able to survive the whole trip with no changes of clothes!
8. Putting children to bed - When on duty to get your children to bed give them your phone to play on until their eyes start to get droopy!
9. Watching TV with your kids - Convince them that The Simpsons is a great show for kids to save you the trauma of sitting through mind numbing kids cartoons. Then when they tell their mum to 'kiss my ass' in a Bart Simpson voice, deny all knowledge of how they could possibly know such a phrase!
10. Playing wii Mario Kart - You must under no circumstances feel that you have to let your child win. Tell them that losing is character building!
11. Playing rounders with your kids - Tough love makes the best sportsman. You hit that ball as if you are first batter for the New York Yankees and to hell with the fact your child has to run half a mile to retrieve it - if they don't turn out to be good at ball games, they will stand in good stead for long distance running!
12. Be adaptable to your surroundings - If your child needs a pair of socks and they have all just come out of the wash, a few minutes in the frying pan flipping regularly will dry them off a treat!
13. One child needs help after going to the toilet whilst you are watching your favourite TV show. - Pay your eldest to wipe their bottom. Give them extra if they don't tell mum!
14. Bribery is your friend - If there is something that you want your child to do and you need a quiet life then use it as your secret weapon. Chocolate and sweets are good but money will work too. You could even just use this to score points in the favouritism contest against mum. Don't be afraid to use it!