18/10/2012 17:34 BST | Updated 18/12/2012 05:12 GMT

Groupie Love

- The continuing trials of an accidental mother, week 16 -

Rocking out at New York's Irving Plaza a female fan dived from a balcony into the crowd below. Her landing was clumsy and I winced seeing her limp and hobble away. I was in the VIP area, witnessing my Glam Rocker at work. The crowd were ecstatic, the place heaving, sweaty, the music loud, thumping. A guy, pressed up behind me, fathomed I was with 'the band' and was doing his utmost to engage me in conversation. Apparently my proffered cold shoulder wasn't cold enough, and that's when I heard him mutter, "but how you going to deal with the groupies, lady." Upon that thought, a shiver trickled down my spine.

A couple of weeks back the Glam Rocker left Blighty to embark on a tour of the US and I was joining him for a weekend of Sex in the City. I was Carrie as a brunette with a bulging belly as opposed to a bulging Mulberry. Anyway, within an hour of arriving in the Grannysmith of all places, I had indulged in a requisite NY mani-pedi and a new pair of perilously high heels. Still, it was not all rock 'n' roll. On the first night, the Interloper had me in bed by 8.30pm bailing on a dinner date and numerous dirty vodka martinis. As for sex, I slept a full and indecent 10 hours.

The Glam Rocker had sent a chauffer driven car to collect me from the airport and whisk me through the city to a most gorgeous hotel. Oh, I could so get used to this pampering life style. Excited to see him - absence (or hormones) had definitely made my heart grow fonder and belly bigger. Yet, upon display of the latter he seemed unimpressed with its latest expansion. "Getting there," he observed which I thought the nicest possible compliment - ever. Translated in my mind he meant, I was going to have to be huge to impress him.

"Oh Glam Rocker, I do so promise. I will be huge... "

The trip also presented an opportunity to meet the rest of the band. I had seen them perform before but had yet to properly hang out. The band and their respective girlfriends/partners were basically the Glam Rocker's other family, the people with whom he spends most of his time. In comparison to their colourful larger-than-life selves I was positively beige, having no idea how or if I would fit in. Their reputations preceded them, the wild excesses and naughtiness of former times - albeit the Glam Rocker assured me those days were over. Indulging in drugs, drink and partygirls had been replaced by echinacea, spirulina and long-term relationships.

Back at the Irving Plaza the band were performing their encore and the crowd were hot and bothered. The lead singer is a most charismatic performer. Crudely put, he is 100% sex. Fact is, the band judge the success of a gig on the number of exposed breasts which are post show, consequently offered up for signing...

"It's a part of the job," explained the Glam Rocker, "Boobies are the currency of success."

"Boobies!" I thought that word died out in the '70's. I was most unimpressed.

Later that night, post party, I lay on the bed exhausted musing on the perceived and real threat of groupies.

I envisaged myself circa 12 months hence when I would be in London, exhausted, run ragged with the tiny Interloper, and a huge wad of baby fat tyre-ing my belly. Worst of all, it would be an unshiftable wad given my slow metabolism, age, huge appetite, sweet tooth and lack of will power. Meanwhile the Glam Rocker would be off gallivanting across the globe staying in swish hotels beset up by hordes of young girls baring their breasts and throwing themselves at him. I would have to develop some sort of psychological armaments. This being the down side of a rock 'n' roll lifestyle....

Having pondered on the above I turned to the Glam Rocker and said: "Hand on your heart are you saying you won't be tempted to stray, indulge in... "

Before I had a chance to finish he replied, "You're so shallow to think like that."


"I told you before I'm not like that."

"But... "


And that's when I said, "You're a man."

He gave me a withering look of disappointment.

"How can you be so sexist?"

I frowned.

How could I be so sexist?

"Er... " I tried to salvage the situation, "I meant you're only hu-man."


The Youngest Groupie in Town

Sixteen weeks into your pregnancy your baby's eyes have begun to face forward and slowly move. The ears are close to reaching their final position. Your baby might be able to make sucking motions with his or her mouth. Although still too slight to be felt, your baby's movements are becoming coordinated and can be detected during ultrasound exams. By now your baby might be more than 120 millimeters long from crown to rump.