Parenting Lessons - For Real!

The nesting season began. There was much to be done. A certain someone was expected in the near future. I began by cleaning or rather thinking about cleaning.

-The continuing diary of an accidental mother - Week 28

The nesting season began. A certain someone was expected in the near future. I set about cleaning or rather thinking about cleaning. 'Must clean, must clean' was the daily mantra. There was no way out. I was going to have rise from the sofa and take action. I was going to have book in a cleaner.

Domesticity does not do it for me on any level. Here's to outsourcing and no, I do not suffer any middle class guilt for paying someone to clean my home. What is up with that? Thus the dust mountains shifted and preparations were put in place for that certain someone.

A cradle was purchased, as was a baby carrier. The Glam Rocker's eyes alighted on the latter. He claimed he would rather just hold the baby. Oh how I laughed at his naiveté. He really didn't have a clue. Explanations were made but still he clung to the idea that he would be able to travel with a baby, the changing bag, his bags, shopping bags and could not understand the practicality of wearing ones progeny and having free hands.

Upon sighting the cradle there was a veritable flash of reality, a lightening shiver down his spine. I'd told him I had something to show him in the bedroom, a little surprise for him. I beckoned him with a slow curling finger.

He followed me in....

"Ta Dah!"

"What is that?"

"A cradle my darling, to rock a bye baby."

The Glam Rocker approached with caution as if to check there was nothing yet there. We then decided to engage in some role-play. Nothing tawdry, I would be Mummy and he would be Daddy.

"Let's pretend we have just had the baby. Positions please and... Action."

Cue the Glam Rocker who ran to the kitchen to 'work' at his computer i.e. go on Facebook. I waited a couple of minutes then entered stage right. Exhausted and in a huff, I accused him of not pulling his weight, came over all weepy and blamed crazy post pregnancy hormones. He wasn't buying it.

"What's really going on here Accidental Mother?"

"Well it's just... "

The fact was he failed to notice I managed to brush my hair that day and put on mascara, no small feat for any new mother. Blowing my nose and wiping my tear-stained face (we were still role playing) I asked if he thought I was attractive, despite the baby belly.

"Of course I do", he said reading the paper.

"Attractive enough to sleep with?"

"Go on then give us a twirl." His aim was to check if my rear status had been infected by pregnancy sagginess.

Then he said the wrong thing.

"I don't want to put you under any pressure.... We should wait."

What? What? Rebuffed, rejected... and incensed; not that sex was even on the menu for the next year but still heavy with (post-pretend) baby belly, (post-pretend) milk maid breasts and legs unshaven, there was a need to feel attractive.

It was then our imaginary baby, a pillow, began howling. "It needs changing", I bellowed, and thrust the pillow into the arms of the Glam Rocker continuing to criticize him for doing everything wrong.

And cut.

The pair of us looked at each.

"High Five!"

"Oh my god!"

We aced it. We were going to breeze through this parenting business.


The Last Lap

Your lap is expanding exponentially. This trimester the pounds will pile on as the baby grows - (usually about 11 pounds). Cue the heartburn and reflux, the water retention and swollen ankles, hands and face. By now the baby is perfectly formed though small. If lucky you may be able to hear it's heart beat through a stethoscope. About the size of a chinese cabbage the baby weighs around two and half pounds, can blink and has eye lashes.