01/12/2015 04:51 GMT | Updated 28/11/2016 05:12 GMT

The New Mother - How to Lose Her as a Friend in Eight Simple Steps

If you've been there you'll know that life with a newborn can be damn hard work. If not, I'm about to save you from seeing your friend turn into satan in a fluffy dressing gown. As if the sleepless nights, endless dirty nappies and stretch marks weren't annoying enough, every man and his dog has an opinion on how you should be caring for your new bundle of joy. Here are the eight most irritating things you can say to a new mother. You have been warned....

1.You really should sleep when the baby sleeps

Really? What a great idea! Unfortunately he usually decides to sleep whilst I'm doing laps of the A64 in my car or pushing a trolley round Tesco, neither of which are ideal snooze locations. On the rare occasion I'm at home when he naps I have precisely 20 minutes to shower, eat, empty the dishwasher, tidy the house, make dinner.........

2. Are you sure he's not hungry?

Nope, hadn't crossed my mind at all. I mean he's only attached to my nipple for 90% of the day, and during the rare moments he's not I'm either changing his nappy, wiping up sick or thinking about when he next needs to be attached to my nipple. Whether intended or not, this comment can also be taken to imply that a mother isn't caring for her child properly- the ultimate insult.

3. But what do you actually do all day?

Please see numbers one and two. And never darken my door with your stupid questions again.

4. You're making a rod for your own back there...

Yes, I'm well aware that needing to jiggle my thirteen pound baby to sleep whilst simultaneously breastfeeding and reciting the alphabet song is not an ideal long-term strategy. But for now, it works. And frankly that's all I care about.

5. 'My two both slept through the night from six weeks'

Oh really? How lovely for you. And this information helps me how exactly? Save yourself the hassle and keep these little gems to yourself. Now excuse me whilst I unfriend you on Facebook...

6. Are you sure you should have that glass of wine whilst you're breastfeeding?

Possibly the meanest thing that anyone's ever said to me. Please don't take my wine away.

7. Aww is he teething?

How on earth should I know? Once you've ruled out a need for food/a clean nappy/sleep it appears that everyone else knows that your baby is teething. Or has wind. Apparently.

8. 'I just popped round to see how you're doing'

How sweet of you. But know this- the unannounced visit is NEVER appreciated. It will almost inevitably involve you waking a sleeping baby, require your friend to make you a cup of tea or feel generally embarrassed that she isn't dressed at 2pm. Just no.

So there you have it. If you've been through it, you'll understand. If you haven't, I've probably just saved you a few friends.