04/09/2015 08:02 BST | Updated 03/09/2016 06:59 BST

Dear Mummy, I'm Not Sleeping Because...

Dear Mummy,

I know that you're tired.  And that your tummy is rumbling as you gently rock me back and forth.  I know all you want is for me to close my eyes so you can lie me down and eat your dinner with the both hands.  And I know it's frustrating when you think you've got me to sleep only for my eyes to then ping open the second you even think about putting me down in the cot.

But you see, the room is too warm, or maybe it's too cold, or in fact it's just right, the glow from that clock thingy you have is orange.  Doesn't that mean the room is right? Hmm, maybe the temperature isn't why I'm crying and not sleeping after all.

Actually I need to be fed, I'm hungry.  Feed me.  Feed me.  Feed me.

FEED ME.

But not too much now.  Nope.  Too much now I'm too full.  Burp me woman.  Harder.  Harder.  HARDER.

Bleeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuugh.

Bit of sick came up there.  Just be a dear and grab the muslin and wipe my.......

Oops.  Bit more than we bargained for there, now I definitely can't go to sleep.  Strip the bed.  Strip me.  Better strip yourself and call Daddy in for reinforcements.

Hiiiiiii Daddy.  I like your face.  Is that stubble?  Oooh can I touch it?  Now this is FAR too exciting to go to sleep.  Look at your face.  Your face is funny.  And is that a button on your shirt?  A nice shiny round oooh and WHATS THAT??  Your shoulder, amazing, put me up there.  I want to see.

Hold.  Me.  Up.

Wheeeee, I'm flying wait a minute. Where's Mummy gone? To the washing machine?

I demand you take me to her n.... oh you're back. Phew. What's that I can smell? Chocolate?? Oh I definitely can't go to sleep now, you've obviously satisfied all hunger needs by sneaking the chocolate on the way to the washing machine. You are now mine for the night.

Rock me.

Faster. No slower. No side to side. No back and forth.

STOP ROCKING ME.

Jiggle me.

Faster. Faster. Faster. Too fast. Stop now.

Sit down with me.

No actually, stand up with me.

Sit down. Stand up. Sit down. Stand up.

Actually yes. Sit down. Feed me again. Stroke me. Cuddle me.

Mmmm, this is nice. Relaxing. Sleepy. My eyelids are heavy. Starting to close. Ooh I have an itch. My foot just TOUCHED something.

What. Is. That?? Now I can't sleep until you find it. Find it.

Oh a label. Yes. Yes. I remember that from last night. The look on your face says you do too and you're wondering why you didn't cut it out this morning like you were meant to.

Back to the starting line, rock me, pace the floor with me, hold me close to your beating heart. It soothes me.

Don't. Put. Me. Down.

I'll know about it when you do..... hold me for five seconds, five minutes or five hours after I've closed my eyes I guarantee you within 30 seconds of going in my cot they will fly open and I will cry for you.

You see Mummy, there are a million and one reasons that I won't go to sleep from room temperature to tummy troubles to itchy labels and cold sheets. Then there are a million more why I wake when you put me down. There's no magic formula.

There's no magic answer.

There's no magic way to get me sleeping through the night.

The only magic is you (and occasionally daddy but you come with the boobs)

But don't worry Mummy. This too shall pass.

Just go next door and look at my big brother fast asleep. He didn't need rocking or pacing to sleep. He didn't need your boob. He didn't need much other than a night night, I love you, one big sloppy kiss. You can guarantee he will *probably almost definitely most of the time fingers crossed* stay asleep until morning. One day I will too.

And when it does you'll miss the sleepy baby snuggles.

Lots of Love,

Baby Boy x x x

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This post first appeared here.