Mummy friends, mummy enemies, the mummy we love to hate. You find all sorts lurking in baby groups, doing the circuits.
Having held the title "Mummy" for just over two and a half years I have been around the block with the baby groups and coffee mornings. Probably even more so given the fact I emigrated when the Toddler was six months old and all the work I had put into meeting Mum friends had to be re-done.
This I feel qualifies me to warn you of some types you may encounter along the way.
The Competitive One
You know your baby sleeps finally? Trixibelle has been sleeping through since six weeks. Your baby is crawling? Trixibelle started to walk the other day. Your baby says mama? That's nothing Trixibelle has been communicating since four months old.
Anything your baby does Trixibelle will have done better. And sooner.
Hard to believe that darling Trixibelle is a walking talking genius when she just looks like a pink blob in the pram.
The Lush One
Personally she is one of my favourites, there is nothing that can't be solved at the bottom of a wine glass bottle. Or a better sound than the clink of ice cubes for your G&T refill.
You need a stiff drink then this is the mummy for you. You need someone to clamber round soft play with, then I'd steer clear. Wine and soft play do not mix. Even if you need a drink after attending one!
The Pinterest Perfect One
You're congratulating yourself on showering and wiping the baby sick that's been there three days from your shoulder with a baby wipe when little Tallulah's mummy arrives with a pristine Tallulah, bearing home made fairy cakes she whipped up that morning just because, with Tallulah's latest art project and craft peeking out of her designer handbag. Not the scribbled, screwed up mess your offspring presents to you but beautifully completed projects that ACTUALLY look like the Pinterest picture.
The (more) Knackered One
This is bad. But she makes you feel better. Up three times in the night with your baby? That's nothing this poor mum was up on the hour every hour thanks to young Freddie and his reflux. You are in awe of how she is still managing to walk in a straight line let alone leave the house.
Please feed this mummy coffee and give her a massive hug. She needs it.
The Know-it-all One
You just don't know what to do, your baby is sick again. Ms. Know-it-all will have the answer be it Calpol or sliced onions in their socks she will have a trick for you.
Need your baby to sleep? White noise. No white noise. Comforter. Dummy. She will have an answer or an opinion on it all.
Infuriating. Especially as this mummy hasn't years of experience to fall back on, nope little Genevieve is only three weeks old. But you know. She's read the books. She knows what's what.
The Over Sharer One
Timmy did a poo. Whoop. Timmy did a poo in the potty. Double whoop. Timmy's poo looks a little funny. So take him to the doctors.
I do not have any desire or need to see any pictures. And definitely no videos. I see enough of my own child's poop to be assaulted with images of any more.
The Dr Google One
Alfie has a sniffle. Nope. According to Dr Google Alfie has the flu which means she should steer clear for a week.
Alfie has a heat rash. Nope. According to Dr Google Alfie could have the start of chicken pox, or hand foot and mouth.
Alfie is teething. Nope. According to Dr Google Alfie is too young/too old/not in the right wonder week to teeth. It must be something else.
The Hippy One
Baby wearing, baby led, organic loving, home made mummy. She's never bothered with a pram and looks disdainfully at your beloved Bugaboo with your sleeping (ha) angel in as you sit down for coffee. True she has her hands free with little Moonbeam strapped to her chest but imagine the heat.
Then the guilt you'll feel as you stuff chocolate cake as a form of bribery treat for your toddler to sit still for one second as she pulls out the organic vegetable sticks, no refined sugar here.
The Facebook One
You meet her once and she tracks you down on Facebook. You may never see her again but you know how young Archibald is doing because she posts about him 17 times a day. And when not posting about young Archibald she's checking in at soft play. Or asking inane questions. Or doing that Facebook thing we all love to hate....
Archibald's Mummy is feeling depressed.
Cue list of nosey concerned friends oozing sympathy and asking what's up leading to the one comment that will leave everyone fuming.
Oh I'll PM you.
The Blogger One
Yes I am a mummy blogger. Chances are if we have a play date I will attempt to write an amusing anecdote about it (I say attempt as I have about a 50% success rate). I will take pictures and then crop out your offspring at your request, so I can blog about our day.
I probably have nothing left to say that you didn't already know because you'd read it on my blog. At least. I like to think you'd read it on my blog. What do you mean you don't follow me on Facebook??
Are my social media buttons not big enough or in your face enough??
The Mummy Soulmate One
Where it doesn't matter what type of Mummy you are, you just click and bond over all things Mummy related. Before you know it they become a true friend, one you laugh with, cry with, drink with, eat too much cake with, wipe baby poo off all conceivable surfaces with. Once you find this one make sure not to let them go!
To all my mummy friends I'm sorry if I've used you on the blog or relayed any stories above..... you know who you are and you know I wouldn't be without you.