I could totally, easily, effortlessly give up drinking. I am absolutely not addicted to my phone. I rarely use Facebook. And I will go for a run tomorrow. Oh and before I get down to an afternoon of writing, I'll just check this website for two seconds...
It's now 2.54pm. I wrote the first three lines of this blog at 12.03pm. My two second check of the 'this' website has cost me nearly three hours of my life, having accidentally fallen into the world-wide-web. I've now resurfaced, alive but knackered and I'm gagging for coffee. Perhaps I'll just quickly pop to the kitchen...
It's now 3.55pm. My 'quick' pop to the kitchen has cost me another hour. The lies I keep telling myself are mounting and as a result, my writing day is nearly over. If I told anyone else these lies, saying I'll be there in ten minutes but turning up next Tuesday, I'd end up with very few friends and unable to keep a job. So why is it deemed a crime to lie to another person but a natural and accepted occurrence for us to lie to ourselves?
I think the answer rests in the fact we don't see these fibs, lies and porky-pies as actual untruths. It is never pre-meditated. We don't intend to drink two bottles of wine when we specifically said we were only going to have one glass. That I would call weak-willed. Falling into the world-wide-web I would label as procrastination. And when we say we have learned our lesson and will never date someone 'like that' again, we genuinely mean it. Until, of course, the next time we date someone 'like that'. This I would call, being a penis face.
And there lie the lies. To do something once could be deemed simply an error of judgment. Twice is plain stupidity. But when we repeatedly say we will do one thing and then do something completely different we are out right lying to ourselves. We know what the outcome will be but we tell ourselves it will be something different. We accept these lies because we are very adept at playing dumb. Frankly, admitting the truth is just too uncomfortable and means we become responsible for our own failures or lack of success. We then have to do something about it.
They say the path to hell is paved with good intentions. Not that I fear I'm going to end up on the dark side. Equally however, unless I take a real honest look at myself, I shan't end up on the really glitzy golden side either! The reason I haven't yet achieved the career I feel I deserve is because I pathologically lie to myself on a daily basis. But this is going to change. (Oh crap, have I just lied again?)
It is! It is going to change! Every week I am going to blog about the lies I tell myself. I tell people I am a blogger yet I haven't blogged in six months. It's like claiming I'm a vegetarian but still regularly tucking into a surf 'n' turf. My website opens with the words: "Leanne Davis Writer/Actor/Comedian". So come on Leanne Davis, prove it. And prove it I will or face the wrath of you lot for openly being a counterfeit.
I hope that not only will this force me to admit where I am going wrong, it might also help you see that you, like me, are probably also a total Bullshit Barbara. We are the reason we don't have what we believe should be ours; the career, the relationships, the phenomenal existence. If our lives right now aren't how we want them to be, then there really is only ourselves who can change that. Yes there are really dreadful things that happen, unfortunate/sad/terrible circumstances that we find ourselves in. And there will always be a period of re-adjustment as we mourn our losses and try to adapt to our new existence. But we cannot hold on to these stories forever.
A waiter at the café I am now in (another day later) has just brought me a coffee (the coffee I am categorically not addicted to*). I am knackered (nothing to do with the three glasses of Rioja last night and going to bed at 1am. I could give up drinking in an instant*). I ask him, "Will this wake me up?" "Absolutely!" he replies. 30 minutes later I am still exhausted. Clearly I am not the only fibber, liar and porky-pier around here.
*These may well be lies.