If there was a switch that could turn you female overnight, would you press it? I would. In a heartbeat. My name is Lexi and I am a male to female pre-operative Trans woman, and I do not identify with body.
Some of my earliest recollections were when I was in Australia trying on my mum's lipstick and stockings, dancing around the room and trying on all of her dresses. I remember the first time I tried on her wedding dress, and how it made me feel, it was pure bliss.
I also remember playing with all my sister's toys, she would play with my Batman and other superhero action figures, and I would play with her Barbies, My Little Pony's and Polly Pocket dolls. God forbid if I were to brush one of the dolls' hair too hard and accidentally rip off the Barbie's head! This happened quite frequently. I also used to practice my amateur hairdressing skills and would cut the Barbie's hair, until the time my mum found out and yelled at me for my wrong doings.
From a very early age I had feminine feelings, I identified with the females on the TV and music video chart shows more than I could identify with any of the men. Men were kind of alien to me. It was always the blond bombshell or the heroine who I truly identified with.
When I was younger I did not realise that I was transgender. I had never heard this term. I knew I identified with the opposite sex but didn't think too much into it at that moment in time. I was just busy playing with my toys and my friends. I knew that I identified as a girl, had mostly female friends, liked lipstick and nail polish and liked to dance around my bedroom pretending I was Britney Spears. There was also the emotional factor, I was very in tune with my emotions and looking back on it now, I can see that I've always had the mind of a female.
When I started to go through puberty, this was when I really started to develop a hatred towards my body and it became very alien for me. I would look down when I would go to the toilet and just feel that those parts belonged to some sort of disgusting creature, and that if I didn't have those parts, my life would be a great deal easier. There was also the fact that I continually fantasised about having beautiful long blonde hair and breasts.
When I was in my teens, I liked to take pictures of myself in various different portrayals. This then evolved into me dressing up as a female again when I had more confidence, something I had suppressed since my early childhood. I remember one time when I was 17, I dressed up as a female for the first time in years, I felt like an angel, and the whole process and feeling behind it was very ethereal.
I then went to New York City to do a Performing Arts Diploma and really started to experiment with my image and started to question my gender. I noticed that the guys were more interested in me when I wasn't wearing my makeup and wearing my handbag. They liked the masculine version of me, and so being the insecure person that I was, I played out that role for them. But that was it, it was just a role.
When I came back from New York, I started to try and suppress the idea of wanting to present and be female, I started to get into drugs to suppress the hatred I had towards my body, and as a result, I was sectioned into psychiatric hospitals a total of four times. During my psychosis I had immense feelings of wanting to be a woman.
It was when I turned 20 that my gender dysphoria became unbearable and the hatred towards my body got worse and worse the more I stayed clean, and the more I realised I wanted to have the body of a woman. I was in a deep depression for 3 years and was questioning every single day who I was, and wanting every single day to become female.
I then started to research transgender people, and this whole new world opened up to me. It was then that I realised that I was transgender, and my confusion started to clear. I continued to dress up and take photos as Lexi, but it isn't enough, it's a female body and female face which I deeply crave.
After obsessing over the fact that transitioning can actually become a reality, and that I could finally be the woman I know I am, I came out on Facebook to my friends as Transgender under the name Lexi. I had also previously been diagnosed with gender dysphoria and had asked to be referred to a Gender Identity Clinic, but was horrified that it could take four to five years just to get my foot in the door!
Now that I have become sure of myself, done the necessary soul searching to make this huge decision to start a transition, I need help. My mental health has never been stable, but I know with the right body, and being able to live, laugh and love as Lexi, I will be saved. After I have transitioned, I hope to be a professional video editor, and transgender activist, working with transgender people around the world, and exploring the diverse Trans representation through my video content.
After finding out that it would take up to four to five years just to be seen by a Gender Identity Clinic, I decided to take matters into my own hands, and try my luck with crowdfunding. I did extensive research into the NHS pathway of transitioning and learnt that the service does not fulfil patients needs, as they only provide 5 sessions of laser hair removal (not enough to even get rid of a beard), and only provide hormones. Then after a 10 year plus waiting list, you can finally have the gender reassignment surgery (GRS). You cannot have breast augmentation on the NHS, as it is considered to be cosmetic. I cannot have my youth escape me whilst being in the wrong body, as I desperately need to be Lexi now. As a soon to be student, I will not have the money during my 3 year course to transition, and will not be able to afford it furthermore, as after my course I will be in significant debt.
I am trying to raise money through my crowdfunding page to start my transition in the UK, by having laser hair removal, go on hormones and freeze my sperm count. I will then go full time, a term used to described a trans person living everyday and presenting everyday as the opposite sex. I then hope to have my important surgeries, such as Facial Feminization, so I can have a female looking face, which I will need to pass as a woman, and to look how I perceive myself in my head. I then hope to have Breast Augmentation, and the important Gender Reassignment Surgery. I am choosing Dr. Kamol, in Bangkok, Thailand as my Surgeon, as the results will be more rewarding than potentially anywhere in the world, and I believe he is the right Surgeon for me.
Please take the time to read through my crowdfunding page, and share the page. Any donation is extremely appreciated from the bottom of my heart.