23/12/2016 08:02 GMT | Updated 24/12/2017 05:12 GMT

A Winter Wormer


Whilst we are knee deep in winter and the lead up to Christmas - I am in the throes of worms. Not me personally. Nope, so far I have managed 35 years on this planet without those offensive, miniscule, vile vermin crawling around my asshole, but sadly our eldest daughter became their latest casualty.

Never fear my friends, this post isn't going to feature the intricate details of threadworms! You can google that shit. In fact, don't. Or, at least, definitely don't google image that shit.

In this moment, the day after the night before our first worm encounter, I have had a little time to reflect on our latest intrusion of parenthood, and I've been left hankering after a good old ramble.

And so, these are my musings on the peculiar paraphernalia you never quite think you'll face until you become a parent. A magical medley of words, events and thoughts you might say....

tête-à-têtes :

"You need to shine the torch right up in her bum crack so I can see them"

"Yup, there are tiny fucking worms crawling out. Oh god"

"How does your bumhole feel this morning?" (to husband)

"I feel like mine is itching but I'm sure it's all in my mind" (to husband)

"My backside feels like it has creepy crawlies having a party around the hole - but I think it's in my head" (to wife)

"If you had to, would you shine a torch up my bum?" (to husband)

"Yes. If I had to" (to wife)

Execution :

Driving to nearest 24 hour chemist, on a Monday night at 11pm to buy thread worm medicine for us all - Yep, parents have to get involved in medication too - it's a family affair!

Wiping live worms from the bum crack of your daughter in the dead of the night.

Gagging down BANANA (I fucking HATE bananas) flavoured medicine - "It's just kahlua It's just kahlua It's just kahlua"

Disinfecting your entire home at 1am.

Google Imaging "threadworm in three year old". Again, don't do that shit.

Hammering the 'caterpillar' (no worm option....yet) and gun emoji on message to your mum mafia

Contemplations :

That your bum is itching. Even when it isn't. You know when someone mentions nits? Yeah, that.

Generally about bum holes. And small tiny vermin worms crawling out of them.

Every possible surface that might need disinfecting.

Each imaginable item of bedding and clothing that may need washing. Again.

Buying more washing tablets. Again.

The positives - there can always be positives people. It's only worms after all!

If you're gonna bequeath potential threadworm to a household a few days prior to Christmas, then bestow it on the woman who has chronic OCD.

A precis to my wormy woes - I'm hoping that if you've experienced (& conquered) similar that you can resonate with some, if not all of the above.

So, if you're yet to experience the wonder that is threadworm, then good luck my friend, good luck. It's a parenting highlight.

Photo credit : Promo Store