26/06/2013 09:06 BST | Updated 25/08/2013 06:12 BST

Family Holiday

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I did know where I was going to take my children on holiday, but the plan went wrong. I know when we are going, I just don't know where, yet and I've been thinky thinking about it but I'm just not sure what to do. A city? A beach? Bit of both? Culture? I want to avoid going anywhere they will all get up and go and leave me sitting on my own, but I also want to avoid boring the shit out of us all by being in the middle of a cow pat.

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family"

Jerry Seinfeld


I have to say that whilst trying to find something to suit everyone I have to agree with the above statement. It's difficult enough trying to get my three children to engage in the same conversation without arguing or getting confused for longer than seven minutes - where am I going to find somewhere we all like for a whole week?

I have a fully grown adult hairy child who has, in the space of a week become entirely nocturnal. He has worked quite hard at university and is Unwinding with not just a capital "U" but a Universe sized "U". It has only taken a week to turn his entire body clock around. Day one and two were reasonable - 11.30ish - day three and he arrived home after a very late night so appeared at 2.30pm with a shocked look on his face saying "OMG I can't believe the time, I actually had to Google 'WHAT TIME IS IT??" and then by the weekend he was managing to sleep for the entire day.

Favourite activities: Watching programmes about men with ten ton testicles, watching Friends, sleeping, seeing his girlfriend and his friends, going to the gym, eating, drinking, partying, football, texting and listening to music and saying "Whatever Minger" to me whenever I ask him to do something.

I have a nearly fully grown girl who has finally finished her exams. She has already organised herself a job for the summer and a week of work experience. She spent the day at London zoo today doing Psychology experiments and spotted Gwyneth Paltrow and her children and tomorrow she is reciting Martin Luther King's speech to a room full of people.

Favourite activities: Shopping, seeing friends, seeing her boyfriend, partying, sleeping, watching films, going to the gym

My youngest has finally finished his exams and if he had put as much effort into planning his 13th birthday party as he did into his revision he would be on top of the world.

Favourite activities: Seeing friends, cooking, football, watching TV, texting, Facebook, golf, cricket

So you see? I am really struggling to find anything in common that we can all do together - apart from maybe sleep. My favourite activities are writing, reading, walking, drinking and seeing friends.

Therefore the ONLY common denominator here is "Seeing Friends" - which does not bode well for a family holiday. Unless of course we all take a friend which slightly defeats the purpose of a family holiday.

Although, in addition to the above, it feels strange calling it a family holiday when I am a single parent - it doesn't feel very family like really - I envisage a marginally lost woman not coping on foreign roads with three children either texting in the back or trying to take over the driving.

This is not good.

Must try harder.