24/10/2013 12:13 BST | Updated 24/12/2013 05:12 GMT

News Punch: Bake Off, Baldness and Ferguson's Bio

Aah, baking. A thoroughly British sport. If things like baking, card making and tutting at queue jumpers were allowed in the Olympics well... Anyway in honour of the winner of the Great British Bake-Off, News Punch has written an ode.

Bake Off win for Francis Quinn...

She takes her cake home in a tin.

It will change her life, like it did for Ray Quinn.

She filed her teeth to save her chin.

The Quinner bakes it all

And Ruby takes a fall

There is a mystery

To the tastes of Mary Berry

Written by: @GI1970, @BadScentsHumour, @Adam_Leedham and @GarethHeskett

And now the punchlines:

Bake Off win for Francis Quinn...

@dantrobus: ...She now goes through to the World Bake Off Championships, where she will inevitably lose to Germany in a choux out.

@JayTuvz: ...After really sinking her teeth into the competition.

@matt_seccull: ...But Mary Berry found being sick in a bin.

(@Benjaminpmoore had a similar one.)

Another Earth shattering world event occurred this week when scientists in Durham announced that they were close to curing a fatal disease. Sorry, follicle disease. Baldness!

News Punch are always one step ahead, combing through the evidence and making rubbish hair puns.

Science Boffs May Have Cured Baldness...

@BadScentsHumour: ...But sufferers of 'bed-head' still complain of a lack of progress.

@DanTrobus: ... They were delighted to achieve some positive results after months spent tearing their hair out.

A year ago, another group of scientists from Wales were close to publishing a similar result...

@Benjaminpmoore: ...But were assassinated by an evil cabal of wig moguls.

Trouble has been brewing again from the rug fraternity...

@matt_secull: ... as wig makers march on Westminster to, 'stop this Frankenfollicle experiment getting out of hand'. Murkins were thrown at MPs.

A spokesman for the Wigmakers Against Non-existent Cures (WANC) said, 'We are marching on Downing Street to demand an end to curing baldness', but conceded that...

@dognabbit: '...failing that, they would make do with some smoked erectile dysfunction.'

He went on to say that, 'an unconsidered and frankly shameful side-effect of ending baldness could be that...'

@FemmeDomestique:... Benny Hill impersonators are hit hard.'

And now the Caption Contest. This week, Sir Alex Ferguson releases his long awaited biography. We've waited for this just slightly less time than we've waited for the referee to blow his whistle after every single Manchester United game. The competition was tough as always but the winner is @Adam_Leedham.


More News Punch soon.

*Some tweets have been edited. Original tweets can be viewed by clicking on the @ names.