02/05/2014 10:13 BST | Updated 01/07/2014 06:59 BST

News Punch: Nestle, Star Wars, Pheasants and Paxo

Nestle Thinks Water Should Be Privatised

Chocoholics are the first to react:

Whoo hooo! Milky Bar on tap!!! Bring it on. @FemmeDomestique

Religious leaders are appalled after it's learned that...

Nestle are exploring charging Jesus back-rent for walking on it. @BadScentsHumour

Once super-villains catch wind that the essential ingredients for life on Earth are up for grabs...

Murdoch mounts a takeover bid for air. @BadScentsHumour

The Financial Times goes with the headline "H2Whoa!" @AndyGilder

Critics say...

It will only help the 'well' off... @JesuisKK

Sewer companies insist that...

Toilets will have to be made pay-per-pooh @benjaminpmoore

But they're only taking the piss. @karenjeynes

The caption contest winner this week is @GI1970 with:


Photo credit: csztova / Foter / Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)

Never mind all the people queuing at food banks, spare a thought for the richest in society, who have to shoot their dinner out of the sky. Thankfully our caring government has subsidised the use of shotguns so those elite few can gun down birds in the countryside.

Taxes Subsidise Trigger Happy Toffs

Grouse demand Brian May writes a protest song on their behalf. @AndyGilder

The opposition gather its ammunition. @BadScentsHumour

Toffs told: Quit Your Grousing @brycoo

The Disney Empire Strikes


The new Star Wars movie revealed its cast this week. Speculation about the franchise is unceasing. In a bid to uncover more secrets, News Punch managed to throw a Dictaphone through an open window to record this historic meeting:


Photo credit: BagoGames / Foter / Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)

JJ ABRAMS: Greetings everyone and may the force be with you. As you know with any project of this nature we always throw some red herrings out there for the fans and the title is no exception. The project is currently called, 'Cloverfield 2: Electric Boogaloo'. This is a brainstorming session to come up with a viable official title. Let's open proceedings. Ken?

@KenArmstong1: 'Star Wars Episode...' um...

@GarethHeskett: Vll, Ken. It's not going to turn out to be Xl. Definitely Vll. Unless you count The Clone Wars Then it's Episode XVl. All clear?

ALL: No.

JJ ABRAMS: Ok, let's just agree that it's seven. Though not Se7en. That's a totally different film. Ben what have you got?

@benjaminpmoore: 'The empire gets bored.'


@benjaminpmoore: 'Star wars VII: make it stop'?


@benjaminpmoore: 'The Quest for cash'.

JJ ABRAMS: I'm liking the enthusiasm, but that's about all.

@AndyGilder: 'Star Wars Episode VII: The Mos Eisley By-Election'.

JJ ABRAMS: Maybe for the DVD extras...

@BadScentsHumour: 'The Clone Bores'!

JJ ABRAMS: It doesn't quite say, 'blockbuster' to me.

@benjaminpmoore: 'Star wars VII: a new cast'.

JJ AMBRAMS: The literal approach, I get it.

@dantrobus: 'The Diminishing Returns Of The Jedi'.

JJ ABRAMS: I think we're losing sight of what we're trying to achieve here. We need a title that captures the spirit of the old movies, and hints at the passing of the torch to a new young, dynamic cast.

@FemmeDomestique: 'Three Zimmers and A Catheter Bag'.


@FemmeDomestique: Revenge of the Revengers Revengers who Revenged'.



JJ ABRAMS: Dubious Genius, surely with a name like that you can deliver the title we need to make this thing fly. Hit me!

@DubiousGenius: 'Star Wars Episode VII: Backache Strikes the Empire'.


@DubiousGenius: 'Return of the Gout'.


@DubiousGenius: 'Star Wars Episode VII: Chewy's Dentures'.

JJ ABRAMS: Ok stop.


JJ ABRAMS: You! Throw me a title! Go!

@MCGibbo007: Erm... 'Too Hoth To Handle'?

JJ ABRAMS: Perfect! You're hired.

Paxman Waves Goodbye to Newsnight

Yes the silver-haired slayer of subterfuge hangs up his thumb screws and retires from poo-pooing politicians. Who knows, maybe a challenging career at the Met office will suit him?

Politicians rejoice as the completion of their counselling sessions are finally cut short. @BadScentsHumour

Jeremy Paxman waves goodbye to Newsnight with a 2 fingered salute. @trudytruffles

Ladbrookes take bets on whether or not the veteran interviewer was off to pursue a career in feng shui. @DubiousGenius

However there is no truth in the rumours circulating on social media sites that he is leaving to devote more time to eating pills and chasing ghosts. @AndyGilder

Paxman says although it's farewell to grilling politicians and Union bosses, its hello to interrogating his family over dinner. @mattfishwick

Russell Brand begins prep to take over. First an, 'itty bitty interview with David Cammy-ron'. And a nation weeps. @Charisma_Effect

More News Punch soon.

*Some tweets have been edited. Original tweets can be viewed by clicking the @ names.