Originally, I wanted to name this post "Aimlessly Attempting to Crawl My Way Back to Center," but I thought it was too defeatist sounding. It is how I'm feeling as of late though. I feel like the balance and grounding I had found has become hazy, muted, diluted. Prior to teaching summer school this year, and while I was on medical leave, I felt I had made so much progress towards becoming a calm, centered, balanced individual. I was finding my inner peace, wholly realizing who I was, and learning how to "be like water" as Bruce Lee instructed. One of my gauges for this was my lack of diarrhea. I barely had any trouble with my poop chute, and therefore, I could tell the work I was doing mentally and emotionally was effective. Right now, however, I feel out of sorts. How can I tell? I'm struggling with my sh*t, both literally and figuratively.
I'm anxious lately, performing my obsessive rituals of re-counting and focusing on certain numbers in my head, repetitively praying in an unnecessary and unhealthy manner, questioning everything, battling intrusive thoughts, and trying to control them with my asinine, irrational compulsions. I'm experiencing self-doubt, and as we all know, self-doubt sucks completely. It can be the biggest deterrent in life, steering you off course, making you believe lies. Your sight into yourself, your inner truths become hazy and misguided. It's not good. This self-doubt bullsh*t needs to disappear quickly because it is neither helpful nor positive.
This month has been hell; I know this, and I'm sure that's where a lot of this nervousness and doubt has come from. I'm craving calm again. Recalling everything that I had done before I went back to work this summer is imperative. I am now back to working for myself, this month is nearly over, our wedding shower has passed, and I'm hoping circumstances will grant me the time and space to find clarity again. Must meditate, must work out, must return to therapy, must listen to the recording of my intuitive reading, must remind myself of all that I've accomplished in a short few months. I know ideally it would be amazing to stay centered and calm through the stormy circumstances, but I don't have the ability at this point to harness my emotions so well that they don't blossom into negative thoughts, doubts, and questions. Quite frankly, I think I've handled this past month of turmoil pretty f*cking well; I've been strong, yet have allowed myself to feel deeply everything that's been in my heart. I'm going to pat myself on the back, in fact; sure, I handled things well for a person afflicted with mood disorders, but I also think I did well even for a non-anxiety-ridden person.
Despite the fact that I think I've been pretty awesome, I do realize that I'm off internally. I need to silence the doubts and questions. Where have my clarity and my anchor of confidence run off to? I must find them and regain my strength. It is only when I do this that I can combat the intrusive thoughts, the anxiety, the OCD, the nerves, and the doubts. I need to find my way back to center.
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