22/07/2013 10:49 BST | Updated 21/09/2013 06:12 BST

Five Worst Royal Baby Tie-ins


1. Cheap tickets to The Woman in Black With the email subject line "A Royal Baby. A 24 Hour Flash Sale. What else can one ask for on a Monday?", ATG Tickets cheerfully hitches its supernatural cart to the royal baby bandwagon. Or is this actually a hint that said baby is an avenging spirit of some kind? Because none of the live blogs are going with that. (Yet. Wait until Hour 14.)

2. Waterworks at Marriott Playing fast and loose with both the meaning of 'baby shower' and the extent to which one can possible abuse the fine art of punning, Marriott Hotels & Resorts cries "Let it reign!" with its celebrations "fit for a Duchess". The "experience" includes a private butler (always a sign of a reasonable price tag), luxury afternoon tea and goody bags for just £60 a head. Presumably for those who enjoy showering in diamanté unicorn tears.

3. Hospital name-dropping In what can only be described as adding insult to injury, the Ham & High reported a badly injured cyclist being taken to St Mary's Hospital, "where the Duchess of Cambridge is due to give birth". The bizarrely inappropriate royal reference has since been removed from the article.

4. It's my party and I'll cash in if I want to There's no shortage of tacky royal baby souvenirs, but Carole Middleton's Party Pieces company's godawful 'A new little princess' and 'A new little prince' range deserves special mention. I'm sure we're all looking forward to their upcoming 'My first contraction' swear jars and 'My first media scrum' bedazzled ladders.

5. 50 shades of wrong But the crowning glory is Mills & Boon's new special release, titled - wait for it - Royal Baby, with the dizzying tagline "The prince demands an heir...and what he wants, he gets!" It's worth reading the blurb in full (if you enjoy stabbing your brain with a pencil), but suffice to say this probably isn't sitting on The Queen's bedside table. Although a BBC adaptation using soft-focus lenses left over from The White Queen hasn't been ruled out.