15/11/2013 07:56 GMT | Updated 23/01/2014 18:56 GMT

Tinder Bueno?

There's a new app that's been making waves in the world of dating for some time now. "Oh great" you think "another thing to distract me while I'm taking a dump". But no, this app will bring about the downfall of the Human Race.

The app is called Tinder, and it works by people agreeing for their photos to be on it, and then showing those photos to potential partners. With a stream of pictures in front of them, they then essentially answer the question "would you?". Swipe left for no and a little stamp appears on the hopeful face of the suitor saying "Nope" and it's on to the next one. It's like the conveyor belt of the Generation game: let's see what you could win! Swipe right and it will put you in touch with the person you find aesthetically pleasing, provided, of course that they too liked the look of you.

In many ways, it's dating without the bullshit. No filling in of forms, just a series of photos for you and your friends to perve on and judge. And it's just the same as what happens in bars across the country, only without the usual fog of alcohol to lower standards. Furthermore it unlocks the dating potential of facebook, which, after all was how that site first came into being. It's worth remembering that Zuckerberg's first foray into social media, "facemash" had a 'hot-or-not' feature.

But glancing through photo after photo, patterns start to emerge. Lots of people have professionally-taken photos and casual swimsuit shots. There's a lot of skin on show. On Tinder, as in life, you're more likely to get noticed if you get your arse out. Flicking through there can be like a trip down the Daily Mail's 'sidebar of shame'. Looks have always been valued, but on Tinder, they're a prerequisite to even have a conversation. This isn't good news for those that have worked on their personality and wit rather than a six pack.

The famous lovers of the past were not all attractive. Casanova was described by his friend Prince Charles De Ligne in 1784 who said: "He would be a good-looking man if he were not ugly" but fortunately for him, Casanova was given the opportunity to use his charm. No doubt in the age of Tinder, there would have been none of his adventures around the world hopping from one bed to another of the most beautiful women of his age; he would be reduced to sitting in his room crying, masturbating and wondering if the app was broken and maybe that was why he wasn't getting any matches?

If everything is just based on looks, why do anything to impress potential partners? Why write a book, perform comedy, or make scientific discoveries when you could be sculpting your abs? People of the future will only hold down jobs to pay for all the personal training and plastic surgery needed to create a society of perma-tanned extras from Geordie Shore. Cultural and scientific pursuits will be abandoned so that everyone can focus on being ridiculously good-looking and the human race will fall into a mire of self-adulation. Eventually, everyone's self-love becomes so all pervading that their standards are too high for any other human to realistically meet and pro-creation is abandoned in favour of toying with oneself in front of the mirror. Even if coupling does happen, the parents will be so disgusted with their ugly children that they will reject them like this guy (may not be true now, but will definitely happen in the future...) and most likely treat them much the same as the Spartan children that were deemed too weak and leave them to the wild dogs. The Human Race eventually ab crunches itself out of existence.

And that's why I've deleted Tinder. I'm pretty sure it was broken anyway as I wasn't getting any matches?