The impending release of Pacific Rim is going to bring colossal monsters and gigantic robots to the masses. Not only this, they will be locked in mortal combat, deciding the fate and future of humanity. If you're like me, then this alone appeals to every part of you, you'll be headed to the cinema, popcorn in one hand and giant robot toy in the other, ready to bear witness to the carnage. Before you do though, in homage, I have trawled through cinema's long history of onscreen robots and monsters and pitted them in theoretical battles (TO THE DEATH) for your own sick amusement.
Johnny 5 vs The Kraken
Background: Johnny 5 just wanted be human. His hunger for knowledge and lust for life made him a beloved, bumbling and endearing addition to robots everywhere. The Kraken is sometimes seen as a mythical pet of Liam Neeson and sometimes as a big, big octopus. It's as old as time and as large as a country house (it's big). Titan vs Titanium.
Venue: Brighton Beach
Fight: Normally one to steer away from a fight, Johnny 5 has no other option but violence as he sees Steve Guttenberg chained to Brighton peer in an attempt to lure said Kraken out of the water. As the monster appears, it has to be the slowest fight in history. Johnny 5 is unable to negotiate the rocky terrain and the Kraken is unable to leave the water. Eventually however, metal meets might and surprisingly Johnny 5 opens up an unseen arsenal, including his devastating laser. It was thought only titan could beat titan, but lest we forget, Johnny 5 is high tech military hardware and a natural killer. Well done Johnny your lust for destruction proves you are alive!
Ed209 vs Sully
Background: It's a tale as old as time. An overly paranoid child, living in fear of monsters coming out of cupboards, buys a second hand Enforcement Droid on eBay so they can sleep soundly.
Venue: A child's bedroom
Fight: Sully steps out to get a big old slice of scare to generate enough to charge his new smart phone and... BAM! Within 10 seconds of non-compliance it's a face full of bullets. All that's left is a furry meat pile. Sorry Sully.
Gigilo Joe vs Toxie
Background: Technically a human Toxie, aka the Toxic Avenger, has been living his life as an outcast since the 80s. Called a monster, he became one. That and the toxic waste he fell into. Gigolo Joe - a sophisticated love robot sent back through time ... hang on that's a different film. Gigolo Joe - a love robot designed to pleasure its human overloads, equipped for love not war.
Venue: 80s scrap yard
Fight: Designed perfectly, Gigolo Joe reminds Toxie of his lost humanity and sends him into a rage. In a fight that would be more heavily censored than a daytime news story on colonic disembowelment, Toxie rips Gigolo Joe to pieces, pounding his face in to the dirt until the red mist of his anger subsides and Toxie drives his beloved mop into Joe's body, before taking off for the Mexican border to start his new life as a travelling acrobat.
R2D2 vs Gigan
Background: Everyone loves R2D2, right? That head strung bucket from the Star Wars films. But what of Gigan, the skyscraper-sized mega beast and first known creature to make Godzilla bleed? Gigan has an arsenal consisting of hooked hands that double for grappling hooks, rotary saw abdomen that can fire smaller saws, and the ability to fly at speeds of mach 3 (or if the commute is just too much he can just teleport). R2D2 had a small laser though, so he might be alright?
Venue: A planet somewhere
Fight: Well, just as predicted, R2D2 is destroyed without Gigan even noticing. Literally stepped on and flattened under the weight of this colossal monstrosity. But wait what's this? R2D2s rusty old parts get stuck in Gigan's foot. Low and behold, just a few weeks later he dies of septicaemia. A lesson in mortality for us all. Even the largest of hells' creatures could do with a bit of Germolene. Call this one a draw.
Terminator vs Charlize Theron (Monster version)
Background: It's designed to look human and the others a Termina... No. I can't do it, it's too easy. One's a killer cyborg sent back through time and the other's a Termina... No, still can't. Basically it's killer on killer stuff.
Venue: Thailand - Sagat's Background - Street Fighter II Turbo edition (why not)
Fight: It wouldn't be much of a one-on-one fight I'm afraid. I'd like to say Charlize would be just fine, but it's a Terminator and, without the aid of Tech Coms finest Michael Biehn, she wouldn't stand a chance. But hang on... here's Micael Biehn (why not) and he lures the Terminator in to an old factory, where he speaks to the manager (he's an old friend of the family) and gets the Terminator a good honest job on the floor, because in this economy even a Terminator has to earn a living to sustain the parts that are living tissue. Seizing the opportunity, Charlize drowns him in molten metal and destroys not only the Terminator, but also the factory and the lives of all that worked there not to mention their families. Oh dear.
Evangelion vs Godzilla
Background: Let's be honest, this is the big one. The Evangelion is a hulking mass piloted by a lone human, designed solely to battle towering monsters, known as angels, that decimated mankind (basically the plot of Pacific Rim but years earlier). Godzilla... no introduction needed.
Venue: Tokyo (where else)
Fight: It begins with a few innocent fishing boat attacks. It ends with the iconic colossus Godzilla, rising from the ocean and laying waste to the streets of Tokyo. The military fail, order collapses, and society looks doomed. Only one option remains - deploy the Evangelion. The outcome is that humanity fails because it rested its fate in the hands of a teenage pilot and, whilst their youthful reflexes and sense of immortality got the upper hand, their years on Xbox live taunting others just before a kill was their downfall. Godzilla seizes the opportunity to destroy its opponent before they can finish calling him a prick.
Iron Giant vs Mankind
Background: The Iron Giant - an iron giant (explains itself really). Mankind - Earths' real monsters... Ok that's unfair... all of mankind would destroy the iron giant. So to herald a champion for Earth, I have nominated wrestling legend Mankind aka Mick Foley.
Venue: Cage Match
Fight: After years of war, humanity and machine come to an agreement they wage the fate of the earth on the back of their champions. On first glance it would seem that the puny champion of Mankind is no match for this iron behemoth, however, this is no ordinary man and the fight goes off without a hitch. Some boisterous chest slapping, a bit of bouncing off the ropes, a grapple here and there until the crowd is fired up enough for Mankind to use his signature move the mandible claw. With his fingers in the Iron Giant's mouth, Mankind is shocked as they are bitten off, realising instantly that robots lack pressure points and wondering 'why did I put my fingers in the mouth of AN IRON GIANT'!? Not one to quit, Mankind continues and the fight reaches such epic proportions that it becomes a threat to both human and machine alike, whereby a treaty is reached and resources pooled, so that they can create a magnetic field so powerful it locks the two combatants in an eternal deadlock. Well done rational and innovative thought, you saved us all!