I have been very fortunate enough to have two children and I can tell you now that I didn't care what gender I had, I was just grateful that I could have children and that they are healthy. People especially the older generation don't seem to understand why when I have a perfect pigeon pair I would want to add to my family, but I do. I am certain that our family will not be complete until we have a third child. I have no preference on what gender we have and I'm pretty sure we won't even find out, but I feel our family is still missing one tiny person.
Why do I feel the need to add to our brood? To be honest I am not sure and practically it probably isn't the best decision, but then I see that it's more important to have a big enough family to fill our hearts than money. I feel my decision has been slightly influenced by missing out on the first five months of Mr T's life as I was crippled by depression and I had blocked out so much of it. I wish I could have appreciated the baby stage more with him, but now things are better I feel like I get some much from him.
I was one of two children and have grown up incredibly close with my older sister that I class her as one of my best friends. We share friends with each other and have even shared a couple of the same bridesmaids, but we couldn't be more opposite if we tried. Not only do we look nothing alike are personalities are different, but one thing we do have in common is that we both have the most silly laugh and we can have each other in fits of laughter in seconds. I hope my children can be as close as what we have become.
As a very small child I had dreamed about having children of my own and was always playing and caring for my dolls. I actually looked forward to turning 30 as that was the age my mum had had children and that's all I wanted. I didn't manage to wait as long as my mum and got pregnant at 23 with Miss J. It really was the most amazing moment in my life knowing that I would be starting a family of my own.
One thing I will not be looking forward to is pregnancy, I don't do pregnancy easily and can say besides loving having a rounded tummy and feeling the kicks I find pregnancy a massive pain in the back, hips, legs etc. The 9 months of pain are all worth it though and something I would be willing to go through again. I think I still need a couple of years to block out the pain of pregnancy and labour before I'm mentally prepared to put myself through it again.
I do have a real fear of getting PND again and how I would cope with three children and this is why I want to wait a few years first to make sure I'm mentally prepared for it. I do hope that as I have been through this, that I will recognise it earlier and be able to get the help I need before things get too much. I can't let it be a deciding factor in my future as that would mean I have let it win and take something else from me.
I've found parenting difficult and I'm certainly not the earth mother I had imagined myself to be. I've had PND, had a breakdown and have come out the other side, but I can confidently say I've been a good mum, caring mum, loving mum and my children are flourishing. I want another baby, not yet, but in a few years' time and this baby will complete our family as five.