26/07/2013 11:42 BST | Updated 23/09/2013 06:12 BST

How the Royal Baby Will Affect Cambridge Students Everywhere

Sound the trumpets: the royal baby has arrived and Cambridge is about to change forever.

Various irrelevant statements have been flung around, such as: 'I don't care about the royal baby', 'this weather has to break soon' or even 'the monarchy is an elitist institution which undermines our democracy.' All this matters little when we consider that the little prince will affect us even as we affect indifference. This is particularly the case for our studious little region, and here is exactly why.

It Will Affect Our Current Feminist Wave

Rather than our previous one. My Dad said earlier today 'Oh everyone had hoped for a girl.' 'How lovely,' I thought, 'the whole country, along with my Dad, had been backing womankind and praying for a princess, a daughter of Eve.' Of course, I quickly realised that Frank was actually making a politically astute comment on the current issue of primogeniture, which would have been forced to a conclusion if Kate had had a girl. A baby-shaped-but-not-sized blow for women everywhere, we can still be positive that the issue of male preference has been raised, for such discussion is fuel for the feminist embers we are stoking with which to blaze the patriarchy. (NB sadly it is the case that I had a very vivid dream that the royal baby would be a boy. Not making any grand claims, but put it this way: would have been very surprised if it was a girl.)

We Live In The Royal Constituency

It's no small thing that Wills and Kate are Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and that we're students at the University of Cambridge. A deep and historic link (established circa April 2011) what's more, their baby's been promised the title of Prince of Cambridge. In a way...this is our baby. Already recently blessed by the presence of one royal (Prince Charles went to Trinity) now that these aristocratic guardians have spored an heir, the future looks bright. Expect royal visits, complete with rattles and prams, and maybe even a rise in house prices.

It Is A New Opportunity To Close In On The Monarchy

Anyone who's anyone's spotted it. Like, you know, David Beckham, who claimed: "They're going to be amazing parents - because they are so loving towards children." Note the pause through which DB suggests all sorts of inside knowledge about the royal couple, before closing with a strong, if slightly weird justification. Similarly, Cheryl Cole took to twitter: "I'm sooooooo excited that we're having a royal baby !!!! Congratulations to Kate and Wills !!!!!!" Note here the crafty pronoun 'we're'. Cheryl didn't play a part in the birth of the royal baby. Not that her tweet would have you believe that! A new royal means a new opportunity to network, and it's becoming a rat race to prove who's the most excited. Forget student clubs, the union or the ADC bar: the ultimate connection will be a friendship with the heir. Let us all be on our toes.

Cambridge Students Like Being Angry

This is as true as the day is long. And the birth of a royal baby means a fresh wave of bitterness from our university is bound to ensue. A fairly content person myself, I knew it was my responsibility to test true Cambridge waters via Anna, my most politically righteous left-wing friend. 'Anna,' I said, 'You are my most politically righteous left-wing friend. What are your thoughts on the royal baby?' Sure enough, out poured a wave of political patter, touching on matters as far-flung as meritocracy, womb fetishes and Martin Luther King. Eyes flashing, she assured me with a final flourish that the media's coverage of the pregnancy and birth had been both grotesque and yet woefully unsurprising. It was the happiest I'd seen her all summer.

And so, fellow Cantabrigians, feign all the boredom you want. There's a change in the heir and it's coming to Cambridge faster than you can say bank holiday.