January is not just a month of rubbish weather and dieting, but it's also the month where most of us mortals are completely broke. After a few months of temping, I woke up on Jan first the poorest I've been since I ate nothing but crab sticks at University. So, this got me thinking like Del boy.. time to make some dosh from nothing...
I looked up how much I could get for selling my eggs. No, I don't have a pet chicken. I mean ovary eggs. Surly if I attached a photo of me looking my very best, clean hair an'all, I would get hundreds, possibly thousands to send my eggs to a woman desperate for a beautiful bouncing skin bag. But then I realised I really didn't fancy opening my front door to 25 teenagers claiming I was their mother 18 years from now.
Then I thought about selling my knickers.. my dirty knickers on eBay. I've heard there are plenty of Japanese men with odd fetishes willing to pay a wad of cash. So I did some research... they were going for £2.99 .. I may be desperate but I do have SOME self-respect left.
But then, counting out 47 pence in my purse I went a step further - I registered to a sexless escorting agency. It looked almost TOO easy to be taken out to dinner and get paid for it! I reluctantly took the risk and borrowed the £170 fee to join after being told I was sure to get bookings and make £450 for a night of wining and dining. I never heard back from them. Ringing and ringing asking for my money back, all I got was an answering machine message saying " Welcome, our offices are currently closed due to the weather" ... now I'm left MINUS £170. But remember what Del Boy said? "She, who dares, wins". I just didn't win this time.
Then I thought logically... Do something clever and fresh! Sell my talent! Comedy busking! But this is actually harder than it sounds. I borrow a mic and a speaker, grab a hat just like Dick Van Dikes in Mary Poppins and head to the underground. I place my speaker down, and the hat. I stand in the busking spot and I begin to talk. This would be perfect if I had rows of seating. Instead I had rush hour. No one listened. Everyone was too busy scurrying to work. I got one person approaching me, thinking I was one of those preacher people trying to get them to believe in Jesus, but they soon left when they stood long enough to hear me talk about me waxing my vagina.
I know things won't last this way; everything works itself out in the end. But a word of warning to you if you are ever so broke you have to wipe your bum with last years diary paper. DO NOT join/pay anything that seems too good to be true.. because it usually is! Fair well.. Until next month.