THE BLOG
25/03/2015 10:22 GMT | Updated 25/05/2015 06:59 BST

Money for Something

If it goes on like this, pretty soon there won't be anyone left to vote for. Practically everyone who is an MP, and many who have only thought of becoming one, are currently suspended, pending an investigation into their willingness to accept money from shady sources.

The problem is that all of the political parties are in want of funds to splatter their adverts across the billboards of the kingdom to try to persuade us that they deserve our vote. The adverts will say something like: IF YOU DON'T VOTE FOR US, YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE. These adverts cost a lot of money and so the parties send their minions out to see if they can find some.

They look down the backs of their sofas, they ask for some spare change please outside the entrance to railway stations and they see how much they can get for their bodies on the open market. Not much is the answer, so the next place to look is in the pockets of the rich.

It is the money that these sources provide that greases the wheels of the political process. The parties will use it to batter the public with their opinions and promises for what will seem an eternity 'till the polls open in May.

Fortunately, when these wealthy individuals and corporations give political parties enormous sums of money, they do it out of the goodness of their hearts, without a thought for their own profit. They are just very nice people who care about democracy.

Just kidding, practically every penny that goes into the coffers of a political party is put there on the assumption that it is an investment that better pay out or there will be no more where that came from.

Essentially, British democracy is the finest system that money can buy, unless you count the American system, but the entry fee for that game is MUCH higher.

For a relatively small amount of cash - in the thousands rather than millions - you can have a party put your case, bend the law, look the other way, relax the rules and eventually give you a badge and stick you in the House of Lords when you feel like pretending to work for the benefit of the nation. In there, you can burnish your reputation 'till the public forgets what grasping, venal and underhand methods you used to get that rich in the first place.

Who gives money without wanting anything in return? If you want to feel good about yourself, you buy the Big Issue, you do not bankroll political parties, yet that is the what we are invited to believe.

The alternative is to admit that our system is a big casino for corporations and hedge funds and the finance racket to place a small amount of their assets on red or black, wait for the spin of the wheel and, if the polls go their way, to count their winnings.

There is another way. We can fund the major parties ourselves, out of our taxes. This would be added to our normal tax bill and would be divided up between them based on how many votes they garnered last time, or how they are faring in the polls, or how well they can hold a tune while singing in front of Simon Cowell.

Hands up who likes the idea of more taxes for funding the political parties. Thought not. So we are stuck with the process as it exists. At least it gives the papers something to use in a sting operation to dupe some gullible MP into taking money outside of the rules. And it gives us something to reinforce our opinion that the lot of them are crooks. I suppose, if you squint really hard, that might look like a win win.