06/11/2013 12:22 GMT | Updated 23/01/2014 18:58 GMT

Eleven Dumb Conspiracy Theories

Whenever there is a disaster or notable tragedy in the world, the conspiracy theorists come crawling out of their darkened dens to offer up incredibly implausible explanations. The worst one, of late, was in the wake of the Boston Marathon bombings. There was a theory going around, and widespread it was too, that the whole thing had been staged and all the folk who lost limbs were amputee actors. Really? Really? And the lone gunmen is almost always a CIA mind-controlled drone, activated by some remote control... and so on and so forth. We've all heard that it was George W. Bush who was behind the World Trade Centre holocaust.

I started snooping about the internet for others because although I'm often appalled at the incredulous nonsense, I am also fascinated by them. I'm fascinated to read fanatical rants that are so 'out there' that they become almost entertaining.

Here are a few doozies...

1. J Edgar Hoover organised a hit squad made up entirely of homosexuals to assassinate JFK. The rationale was that in the wake of the hit, police would disregard the flamboyantly dressed gay people because they would not be considered capable of committing such a violent act...I actually do think that the official story is a bit bogus but I'm not buying the Rainbow Army theory.

2. Red heads are direct descendants of aliens. Well, that one is probably true. Rebekah Brooks, Prince Harry and Ronald McDonald for starters!

3. Sony Bono was murdered on the ski slope because he was going to run for president. Unlikely. He was probably just not looking where he was going.

4. Man did not walk on the moon. Man walked into a Hollywood studio for a photo shoot. I like to think we did walk on the moon. It looked like fun. I would like to move to Mars so walking on the moon seems like a good precursor for that. Also, if it was just a Hollywood stunt I would have thought they'd get ET in there. It was a bit too dull for a beat-up.

5. There is a New World Order running a global bank which aims to eliminate paper and coin currency in favour of digital banking and then one day in the not too distant future, they will shut down the system forcing citizens into slavery. It's all about the Illuminati (isn't it always?). This one is interesting. I like paper money. Particularly hundred dollar bills. I love the smell of money and I keep forgetting my online password. I will keep my money in shoe-boxes just in case. I have vivid nightmares about the Illuminati. They all have red hair!

6. According to Christine Fitzgerald, a former confidante of Princess Diana, the late Queen of Hearts told her quite seriously that the royal family are actually shape-shifting, reptilian aliens from a galaxy far, far away. Now that is gold. I always knew there was something funny about them. No wonder they had Di murdered. That sort of info could be dangerous in the wrong hands. David Icke is a BBC journalist. He knows. He'll be next. I always loved that old TVseries V. Seems it was a documentary after all and not just a cheap American television show starring that Freddy Kruger guy.

7. AIDS was created as a biological weapon by the US government and released in Africa in 1978. No comment.

8. In 1947 the Roswell Army Airfield admitted that they had recovered a flying disc from some redneck field. And you know the rest... Roswell has been hiding aliens ever since. They have because I've seen the autopsy photos. I think they are harvesting aliens. Breeding them. I know the official statement said that the disc was a high altitude weather balloon. But they would say that, wouldn't they? That's just inconceivable while the alien theory is water-tight and rational.

9. You know when you look up at the sky and see jet streams, well, they are actually chemical cocktails being sprayed on us, to keep us docile and stupid. The 'official' explanation is that they are streams of condensation but considering Australia voted for Tony Abbott, I'm not discounting the stupid chemical theory just yet.

10. My favourite. Paul McCartney is dead and the body double has been living a pseudo Paul McCartney life since 1966. That is a cool gig. The look alike-sound alike model Paul gets to live like a billionaire and be an ex-Beatle. Why? Why? Where is the Princess Diana model and the Michael Hutchence model? Where were their look alikes? This one really proves that all conspiracy theorists are pretty much bat-shit insane.

11. And then of course there is the one that I am going to start and that is that Russell Brand is not just a very naughty boy but also the new Messiah. Of all of the theories, I think this one is the most plausible.

But bat-shit insane is so very entertaining and the world would be a duller place without them.