Tales From the Middle of Nowhere (Vol. 2): We Are All Going to Die

15/06/2012 13:44 BST | Updated 15/08/2012 10:12 BST

Right comrades. Been a few days. Where were we exactly? On the way to the airport to catch a flight to the Ukraine I believe? Yes? I think so yes.

Flight was delayed a little bit and thank God it was. The most violent, loudest and windiest storm passed over the airport as we sat on the tarmac. The plane was being blown from side to side, rain POURING out of the sky. I usually love that kind of display from Mother Nature but when the pilot comes on over the tannoy and says in what can only be described as a comedy dead-pan Russian accent "Good morning. Welcome to Aeroflot AF 83 (or something!) to Kiev. Time will take 1 hour 25 minutes. Enjoy flight." Whoa!!! Hang on a minute man you're not actually gonna take off in this weather are you!? The engines started... (we are all going to die!). Now I'm not a nervous flier by any means, but I was seriously hoping the pilot would see sense and hang back a little until the storm passed. There was an audible sigh of relief when he comes back on and says "There will be delay of 20 minutes. Storm will pass." Thank the holy lord Jesus Christ almighty we were saved!!!!!!

After that it was quite an uneventful flight. Just how I like them. At customs in Kiev I noticed a peculiar sign as I was trying to enter the country. It was a list of things that one shouldn't really be carrying if one doesn't want one's day ruined by the police... amongst the usual suspects - gold bullion, plastic explosives and weapons (although there are always one or two of those on any tour!). There were also these two... WORKS OF ART (over 50 years old) and DRASTIC SUBSTANCES????? Now, I have no idea what a drastic substance is, but I intend to make it my life mission to find out and hopefully sample some and relay my findings to you good people of the Internet (and/or mobile devices).

So... Kiev? What a great place!! Loving it. Had great show on Wednesday. One of the top 10 of the tour for me. Only marginally spoiled by some fat drunken skinhead English yobs desperately trying to cause trouble. Thankfully one or two of them did and one or two of them got their heads kicked in by some locals. Kind of restores your faith in the unwritten law of karma!! Anyway, great, great night. Felt it all day yesterday though. Total wipe-out.

So... there you go. I'm off to see England play Sweden. I shall try and avoid the inevitable blood-bath should England lose which is a very strong possibility. Although I foresee a draw so we, I and the great city of Kiev, will live to fight another day (so to speak!).