We've all been there, covered in a whole host of human secretions. Feeling and looking like a walking turd of the pale, canine variety and quite frankly not smelling much better. All fuelled on nothing that comes close to a full night's sleep. Our boobs are sore, swollen and as sods law would have it, leaking all over the God damn place through cracked nipples. And our little one, despite being fed, changed, burped and dressed in Mothercare's finest is screaming like a possessed ban chi.
Things couldn't get any worse could they?
Now picture having to push you and your new born through a crowd of 20 grown men all jostling for the best position outside your front door as they scream inappropriate questions and try to capture the "money shot" of you looking anything but your best. An image they can then share with thousands of others who are not waiting to congratulate you on getting through childbirth and becoming a but are instead waiting to pick you, your weight loss, make up, hair and outfit choice to shreds all in the name of enjoyment. The most judgemental of Mother & Baby Groups has nothing on this!
Celebrity mums. We all love to pawn over them, read about them and bitch about them! From their maternity fashion and size of bump to when, how and which position they conceived in. To how, where and when they choose to bring their baby into the world and if they'll be eating or burying their placentas? Everything is up for grabs and nothing is out of bounds.
Fast forward nine months and the obsession gains momentum as we begin the ritual of picking over and dissecting images of post baby bodies of the celebrity kind. Scrutinising every blemish, ripple and potential dimple as we try to make out their imperfect markings to make us all feel better about ourselves and to place celebrity mums one step closer to our knackered normality.
Oh and God help the poor cow if she steps a maternal foot out of place or if her partner decides to have an affair with her "mate". Let the celeb mum feeding frenzy commence!
Seriously, if any of us heard about a friend or fellow mum at our baby group whos hubby had cheated with her best friend despite just having a baby and despite being pregnant with their second child, we would all be up in arms. However, if this poor mum happens to be a mum of the celebrity kind, she instead faces ridicule and abuse, and for what? Despite what your opinion of Katie Price is, no one deserves to receive abuse when going through this, especially when pregnant and raising a family. So why the hell do we think it's fair game and why do we find smug enjoyment in reading and tweeting about it?
Yes, we all know that smoking a cigarette is not the best health choice when pregnant, but who of all the smoking mums out there can say that it was a breeze giving up their nicotine cravings when they found out they were with child? And that they never once felt tempted to stray off the non-smoking path? Celebrity mums Stacey Solomon, Kate Garraway and Kerry Kataona all caught out and all hung, drawn and quartered by the media and baying public.
And let's not get started on Spice girl Mum, Victoria Beckham. She in many people's eyes is the devil incarnate and for what? Being a successful mum? Having a fit hubby and 4 gorgeous kids?
Seriously, we all need to get a life!
Yes, there's the age old and trusted excuse that "Well they chose a life in the limelight, therefore they invite it". It's true, they did choose a career in the media spotlight, however, this also means that they, like a lot of us are working mums facing the same emotional roller coaster, guilt trips and exhausting battle of bringing up a tiny human whilst holding down a job. A career that for them to be successful in entails them having to court and play nice with the 20 strong brood waiting with bated breath and poised camera lens outside their front doors. They cannot cocoon themselves away in their pjs and milk scented cuddles in place of hitting the gym as the success and longevity of their career depends hugely on them bouncing back into shape and back into our consciousness as quickly as possible. All done beneath painted on grins and people pleasing headlines, belying the fact they are knackered and like us feeling like shit and much preferring to be enjoying a chocolate biscuit in place of doing a gazillion squats and early morning TV interviews.
Yes, the baby and new mum freebies galore would be a luxurious and money saving perk. Yes, being able to easily afford day care (if wanted) would take off some of the stress. Yes, access to some of the best personal trainers and stylists around would be nice and designer baby clothes cute.
But at what cost? Seeing myself and my post baby body in all it's glory emblazoned over the front pages? Hearing other mums openly bitch about my parenting style? Having myself and my family targeted by vile social media abuse? Having the pressure that as well as returning back to work quick smart I also have to be back into my size 8 jeans with no evidence of having a baby on show?
Give me anonymity and the freedom to feel and look like shit whenever the fancy takes me over walking around with the latest Nova Harley baby bag (No matter how stylish or free) any day of the week. Ladies, next time you find another "Celebrity Mum Cellulite Shocker" hitting the headlines, thank your lucky stars that you and your post baby self are free from the prying eyes of the world at large. Most importantly spare a thought of the sympathetic and solidarity kind for a fellow suffering mum, battling her way as best she can through the hell of childbirth and exhaustion of motherhood all whilst cradling her baby and watching her back for low flying daggers!
Want to discuss how you are feeling about being a mum, warts and all, NO JUDGEMENT? Come join the No Bullshit Mum Revolution and pop into The Confessional to chat to other likeminded and straight talking mums, follow us on Twitter @thebabybible and on the closed Facebook Group by sending your email address to Olivia@the-baby-bible.com