This week's news has been a bit like one of those Oprah's Favourite Things Episode, with every story either ornately ridiculous, scarcely believable or causing mass gasps and borderline hysterics. Let's start low and go from there.
First, the new Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby may be just as much of a straight baller as his predecessor LL Cool Rowan. In a move right of Jesus's book (and how often do we get to say that about a Christian religious leader?) Welby has squared up to marionette moneylenders Wonga, saying: "We're not in the business of trying to legislate you out of existence, we're trying to compete you out of existence." Ice. Cold. Of course, first they have to make sure they get any Wonga money out of their pension scheme.
Welby may have cojones the size of a cathedral but a young boy who has a date with destiny at Westminster Abbey was all a lot of people wanted to talk about this week. The arrival of George Alexander Louis Mountbatten-Windsor (the latter forename therefore being a particularly nice touch) filled the atmosphere, although some were less happy about it than others. Never let it be said that Kay Burley wasn't in her element though, or indeed the guy who insisted George was black. The Daily Mail of course threw their trousers away in joy at the birth of the royal baby (and the accessories that would herald), although they seemed even more gleeful at taking shots at the BBC for doing the same thing.
In a worrying trend The Daily Mail were pretty gleeful too about David Cameron's landmark decision to ban teh pr0ns. By the end of the year, people will have to contact their ISPs to have teh pr0ns turned back on, as the default setting will now be to ban this sick filth. Cameron's intention is of course noble and understandable, to root out images of child abuse and the people who seek them out too. But in trying to do this, what else might be banned? A site featuring someone wearing a bra? Valuable and frank sexual health advice from a reputable site? The Daily Mail's own sidebar which focuses ludicrous time on Helen Flanagan's cleavage?
Cameron's crusade to clean the internet up must make him feel pretty misunderstood right now, but it's nothing compared to the Irish President, Michael D Higgins. In an article of Forbes Magazine, a journalist referred to him as an "acknowledged homosexual". He's kinda not. What he has acknowledged though is his Council of State, as for the first time in his Presidency he convenes it (I assume this is how) for a meeting over the recent abortion bill. This makes for unfortunate timing for one councillor Ruairi McKiernan, who at the same time is supposed to be presenting the results of his National Listening Tour, which he conducted via the medium of hitchhiking.
Elsewhere in Ireland the newsreader Aengus MacGrianna has been acknowledged with, along with his husband to be, a ground-breaking cover spread on the RTE Guide. MacGrianna has become in quite a short space of time become a legend on all fronts, what with his celeb cooking, his internationally notorious gaffe getting caught in the on air lights and, wait for it, owning an alpaca farm.
One man who could take a leaf from MacGrianna's book on how to do things right is one Anthony Weiner, or, to give him his sensational nom de schlong, Carlos Danger. Yup, after having to resign from Congress and getting a telling off from Bill Bloody Clinton of all people for his miscreant sexting, Weiner/Danger set up camp in his tunnel to redemption when he was only half way through. In a show of saintly patience his wife, the high-flying political operative Huma Abedin, stood by Anthony/Carlos, but voters won't likely be as forgiving.
No such worries though for Red Carpet Entertainment, who later this year are planning an even tour that will blow your mind. From the 27th December to the 5th January, Ray Meagher is coming to the UK and Ireland. Or, if you're a fan of Home & Away, that's Alf Stewart. And if you use Slate's Carlos Danger Name Generator, that's Anibal Violence.