20/03/2014 06:25 GMT | Updated 20/05/2014 06:59 BST

What Kind of Week Has It Been? 21 March 2014

The Dancing Christopher Walken Of News

Ever get the sense the world is in danger? In fairness there's probably not been a minute since the earth started spinning that we haven't been (big bangs are like that) but imminent trouble seems to be reaching Taylor Swift levels of proximity. How bad are things getting when Courtney bloody Love becomes a plane detective? They do make Boeings in Seattle, but still. In genuinely hairy news Crimea's referendum to become part of Russia was met in the west with a reaction something close to this, while the West are trying to end Russia's bullshit the only way they can: through their visas, and their Visas. And to make matters worse, irrespective of how Crimea goes, NASA reckons we're all screwed anyway.

Things have got to the point that even sculptures are packing heat. Although in this case the reason Michelangelo's David is carrying an Armalite thought it would be a good advertising idea, for some reason. This fails on two counts: 1) If David had a bloody pump action rifle against Goliath, it wouldn't have been much of an underdog story, and 2) under such circumstances the correlation between big guns and small penises really can't be ignored.

It's at mad times like this where we'll most miss the relentless outspoken sense of Tony Benn, who died last Friday at 88. Rarely has the phrase "good innings" been more apt. His career as a stalwart of the anti-war left is well-documented, but in light of his death more arcane facts about his life came to the fore. Like the fact he bloody loved deep dish pizzas: "He was so attached to this delicacy that he was positively distraught when he went shopping one day to find that this item had disappeared from his local supermarket. "I went in search of them because I have eaten two of them every day for years," he said."

As Tony thought about pizzas, so did advocates of social justice think of him.

Less well thought of but also facing the great beyond is Fred Phelps, he of God Hates Fags fame, especially tragic given how in his younger days he was most famous for being a kind of Atticus Finch. Heading off at the pass any inclination of celebrating the death of a man who had so much lamentable hate in his heart, George Takei sort of nailed it.

If gay people wanted to have a big party this week there was always St Patrick's Day, unless of course you were in New York or Boston. Guinness took exception and promptly went 'No Stout For You" to considerable kudos. Guinness heavily sponsor the GAA too so there's obviously something in the air, as a victorious club captain made himself stand out by adding one simple word to an otherwise straightforward speech.

It was a big week for All-Ireland Club Champions and rugby internationals alike, as Ireland won the 6 Nations on The BOD's final match. The team seemed to be quite happy about it. Alas, it also means we've now seen the last of Gordon D'Arcy's magnificent Victorian street-rough beard. Meanwhile Down Under, after an interview of this comic quality, I sure hope we haven't seen the last of this guy.

If Western Force's finest Nick Cummins has a good turn of phrase his style is contrasted by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who in his latest ad campaign is letting his slowly turning face do the talking. Enter Jon Stewart, who has invited the internet to put more apt music over the glamour shots of Mitch in a practice that will be forever known as #McConnelling. My personal favourite is this, but there are many others.