THE BLOG
07/10/2015 14:10 BST | Updated 07/10/2016 06:12 BST

Things I've Learnt While Being an Audition"er"

What I've learned as an auditioner about auditionees after previously being an auditionee...

When I was an actor I auditioned for loads and loads of Jobs for TV, film, theatre and commercials and as a director I have auditioned a fair few actors and these are some observations I've made.

Please bear in mind I write this as a normal person who eats food, drinks fluid and does not believe the world revolves around oneself. I wish to God it did so I could be king of all things cool, alas it doesn't.

Auditionees:

Be yourself. If the director has asked to see you, Jeremy Realperson, don't come in bouncing around like Arthur Tit, the man/woman who loves acting and is totally fine with whatever the director asks you. I just want to see YOU. I want to know if we can get on, if we can communicate and not how great my shoes are!

Don't kiss ass. A smart director, yes me, knows when he's having his bottom kissed. The script is never THAT good, it may be good but as an Auditionee you don't want to wet your pants in the audition. A little bit of pre awareness of the director and creative team is useful but you don't need to know what drawer I keep my socks in. Be honest, polite and believe your opinion counts.

NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER reveal any body parts that you wouldn't reveal on a moderately warm day. Everyone has heard stories of women, sorry guys you don't have breasts, being asked to show how they look in a bikini, underwear, topless and worse besides. Anyone who asks you to do that is an 80s former martial arts film actor who's put on weight or a complete A HOLE. If you're asked to do anything like that, walk out of the room and tell all your friends to avoid.

Do not try to decipher the goodbye.

None of these things mean you have got the job.

Great work, you're free for the dates yes?

Good luck.

Goodbye.

"A warm handshake"

See you soon.

Really great job, thanks for coming in.

None of these things mean you haven't got the job.

Great work, you're free for the dates yes?

Good luck.

Goodbye.

"A warm handshake"

See you soon.

Really great job, thanks for coming in.

You and more than likely the director have no idea what will happen and who will get it so best to try, it's impossible I know, to put it out of your mind.

Finally and the most important bit of advice for auditionees. A job, whether the one you got or the one you didn't, will not bring you ultimate happiness and peace. If that's what you're thinking when you walk into an audition then get to a therapist. When life is shit and you're miserable and worthless and full of low self-esteem, playing a cabdriver in New Tricks will not change that, a job won't give you the answer to why you're here. Guess what, if you get the job, great, super great. You'll get to do something with other like minded folk, you might make a few pennies and get to dress up for a few days. If you don't get it, don't worry. Have some ice cream, find your mates and slag off the director and laugh about it. You may well have dodged a bullet and you will have more of your evenings free.

NB: No offence was meant to anyone who has played or is about to play a cab driver in New Tricks.

Ticking is on at the Trafalgar Studios 2 until 7 November