The classic Five Stages of Loss, also known as the Five Stages of Dying, are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Boredom, and Acceptance. Wait, that's six. Where does Boredom come into the picture? Answer: after about thirty minutes, if the picture in question is 50/50, the new 'Cancer Comedy.'
It's not a bad film. Okay, it's shallow, formulaic and manipulative but some of it is quite funny. However, unlike the protagonist, the film dies in the second act, that graveyard of flawed screenplays. Because after your cancer guy (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is told he has a fifty-fifty chance of survival, and you've had fun with his best friend (Seth Rogen) exploiting his condition to get laid, what are you left with for the rest of the story? Basically, a guy who feels like shit. But not in an interesting way. He gets pale, and he gets bald, and he gets kinda moody, and that's it, until it's time to find out if he survives the surgery, which injects some suspense into the plot, but only if you've never seen a Hollywood movie before.
I have to admit that people around me in the cinema seemed to be enjoying the film. But I want a comedy about cancer to make me laugh by being true. By itself, cancer isn't funny. It's boring. Hearing about someone else's cancer is as dull as hearing about their dreams or their drug experiences. Cancer stories are even more tedious than misery memoirs. If someone writes a book about what a terrible time they had growing up, I can relate to that. We all had a terrible time growing up. Maybe I wasn't abused, or locked in a rabbit hutch for my formative years, but, hey, I feel your pain. Childhood is an extended process of being bullied into behaving the way other people want you to, and adolescence is one long orgy of self-pity. I'm not trying to deny that some children suffer appalling neglect and cruelty, or to diminish their suffering, I'm just saying we've all felt badly treated, even if there was no rational justification for feeling that way. That's childhood for you. But it's harder to say, "I totally empathize with your battle against cancer because when I had the flu that time I felt, like, really terrible." Either you know what it's like to be desperately sick with a chronic, potentially terminal illness or you don't.
And if you are sick, the urge to write about your unique, personal struggle is compelling. It's the most important thing that's ever happened to you, so how can it not be significant to everyone else? But the urge should be resisted, precisely because it is unique and personal. Even other people who are suffering in the same way as you, or whose friends or family are suffering, are having their own unique experience that's never going to be the same as yours.
Now, I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who'll want to say, "But I found Muffy Newfinger's inspirational book, "An Angel in my Colon," a great comfort when I/my spouse/my friend/my child/my parrot received a terminal diagnosis." Great. Whatever works for you. Also, before I'm buried in an avalanche of outrage, let me just say that if you've got cancer I'm not suggesting that you should shut up about it. Please tell friends, family and Facebook how you're doing. We want to help you and we want you to help us. Teach us what it means to be mortal. Talk to us, tweet to us, keep us in the loop. We love you and we want to know what you're going through.
All I'm asking is that if you're tempted to write a book or a film about your powerful, extraordinary, moving etc., etc... remember to tell the truth. The only way to make a cancer story exceptional or entertaining is to keep it real. Confront the truth of disease and death. Face the horror. Then it can be hilarious. But cancer is only funny if you take it seriously.