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Fame Costs: And This Is Where They Start Paying

Who could forget (although we're desperately trying our hardest to) Dean Gaffney, Helen Flanagan, Matthew Wright and Gillian McKeith.

Out of morbid curiosity and voyeuristic interest, we all love a good trial. Particularly if it involves a well-known personality. Call this entertainment? You betcha. Anyway, here's a few that immediately spring to mind as having gripped the nation's attention at varying times over the years.

Oscar Wilde's for gross indecency and sodomy. Jeremy Thorpe's for conspiracy to murder. O.J. Simpson's for first-degree murder. Phil Spector's for the lesser degree of the same offence. Jeffrey Archer's for perjury - why he wasn't convicted of murder of the written word as well is anyone's guess. And Tulisa Contostavlos's for supplying Class A drugs.

With the last case, which regrettably collapsed, the prosecution did apparently ask for crimes against music - punishable by life imprisonment - to be added to the charge sheet. Sadly to no avail.

What a tragedy she wasn't ultimately banged up. It could have been the best thing to have happened to her - career wise, at least.

By a huge stroke of good fortune she might have found herself in the same correctional facility as the aforementioned genius creator of the Wall of Sound.

In the absence of anyone better to work with (the governor being tone deaf) the collaboration between the two of them might just have resulted in a mercifully non-criminal record worth listening to.

In 2014 alone, we've already witnessed some notable celebrity trials, among them the recent one featuring athletic's very own Harry Houdini. Unfortunately though, we're about to witness a lot more that will truly sicken and repulse us. And millions of viewers can't wait.

With a host of Snakes, rats, cockroaches, spiders and other creatures that make your skin crawl (please don't say that Paul Burrell's doing a Katie Price and coming back for a second bite of the cherry that is in fact a kangaroo's testicle), this Sunday, November 16, sees everyone's favourite reality show set in a jungle back for another run.

Unbelievably this is series 14 and once more the whole affair will be presided over by Ant and Dec.

Apart from Simon Cowell's man boobs, there's hardly a more visible male pair on TV. Yet many of us still struggle to distinguish which is which.

I'm sure Dec's the slightly taller one with the forehead that's now so high, the barber practically needs scaffolding to to reach his hairline. But to be honest I'm uncertain. As it turns out, I'm wrong. That's actually Ant. Still, who cares? Presumably not them. Most of us would happily be mistaken for Kim Jung-un in return for a fraction of what they earn.

As per usual, the so called celebs taking part will number more than a few you've never heard of, a good smattering of those you may vaguely recollect from the cathode ray tube's dim and distant past and the odd, usually very odd, American who has obviously been lied to by their agent that it's the equivalent of doing a haemorrhoid cream advert in Japan, which will never be seen back home.

Of course, what they fail to tell them them is that one bunch of painful arseholes has simply been replaced by another and while everyone starts out friendly enough, it only takes a couple of days before the egos take over and they are at each other's throats like demented vampire bats.

Mr. ten percent also conveniently forgets to mention that the main focus of the programme is the Bushtucker trials. Now many a Hollywood star has at one time or another felt compelled to chow down on some small wrinkled old cock belonging to a studio executive or casting director, but they've probably never had to have a crocodile's penis in their mouth.

The Brits amongst the contingent are naturally made of stronger stuff. Hmmm, so you'd think. However, every year there's a couple of exceptions to the rule.

Who could forget (although we're desperately trying our hardest to) Dean Gaffney, Helen Flanagan, Matthew Wright and Gillian McKeith. The latter being so spectacularly hopeless and derided she's largely disappeared from sight and is currently to be found spouting her own unique brand of dietary claptrap in Canada.

It could be asked why anyone would be prepared to humiliate themselves to such a point that they then have to flee the country they're from? There are three possible explanations: they want to raise their profile, they want redemption in the eyes of the public or they're so broke, if they don't get some money soon they'll be declared bankrupt. There is a fourth, but surely there's easier ways to escape the omnipresence of the latest John Lewis Christmas commercial

Despite what you may have read elsewhere, heard, seen or been told, here's the confirmed list of those participating. A few of them may not exactly be true.

1- Tony Blair. Undoubtedly he'll be out first because no one in their right mind would ever vote for him again.

2- Gemma Collins.

3- Kofi Annan. It won't be the first time he's kept the peace.

4- Melanie Sykes.

5- Carl Fogarty.

6- Leonardo DiCaprio. Should he win, he can then proclaim: "I'm the King of the Jungle"

7- Vicki Michelle

8- Michael Beurk

9- Monica Lewinsky. The tabloids will have a field day the moment her lips come into contact with, well, you know what.

10- Craig Charles.

11- Amanda Knox, aka Foxy Knoxy. Although you'd think another trial would be the last thing she'd want to risk facing.

12- Gisele Bundchen or Jeanette Krankie. The decision plainly depends on which one the producers reckon looks best in a bikini.

All in all, this has the makings of yet another season a great many people are going to relish.

Which rather raises the question, precisely what relish does go best with ostrich anus?

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