09/04/2013 19:53 BST | Updated 09/06/2013 06:12 BST

Why Having Kids Is a Terrible Idea

By Jess Reid

As we all inevitably leave our twenties and begrudgingly begin the slow pitiful march towards responsibility and self-loathing, it's important to ask the question - what next? For some it's fulfilling careers and the exciting discovery of our greatly unrecognised adult self, and for some it's children. I realise that this is not a popular view. I also realise that having children is pretty much essential to the continuation of the human race. I do, actually, also realise that people bloody love their children, and will claim that having them was the best thing ever. Lastly, I do actually realise that I myself was once a child.

But that doesn't make me hate them any less.

Here is a comprehensive list of all the reasons not to have children. It involves facts, figures and generally well compiled research - something we couldn't be bothered doing, so here's our round up on why abstaining from breeding will make you live longer, have more money, and generally get more out of life. I mean, at the end of the day, what the f*ck is the point in giving someone else life if you didn't even enjoy yours? Deep.

So here is our brief round-up of what I deem the most important reasons:

  1. You'll be a whole lot richer. Seriously. A cursory Google of a few depressing statistics will horrify you - for example, raising a child is likely to cost anywhere from £100,000 to your own life, and that's just to the age of 17. Not including private education if you're so inclined. Nappies, toys, general baby equipment, extra food, extra presents, pocket-money, a tenner here or there, clothes, bus fare. Kids cost a lot. Just think of all the fabulous holidays you could enjoy instead of settling on a caravan in Great Yarmouth.

  2. You'll invariably be a much more interesting person. Children change people. The axis of their priority shifts, and the centre of it is the child (or children). Who wants to talk about the latest development in the Middle East when you've been agonising over which faddy educational toy to buy your little brat? Or which fungal infection they've brought home and infected the entire family with? No one, that's who.

  3. You'll never have another good night's sleep. I'm not just talking the hideous crying, shitting, puking stage in the first year or two of a baby's life - I'm talking all the way through the teens, until they eventually bugger off. My mother would constantly assure me that her, and all other parents she knew, simply couldn't sleep until their 18-year-old pisshead kids were home. Which wasn't very often.

  4. Women wouldn't have to face the agony of labour (or having a doctor bust you open like a gestation-sac pinata through C-section) - not to mention the inevitably saggy post-baby tits, and withered, broken love-box (Remember that scene from Alien, the one where it bursts out his chest? It's like that but coming out your vagina).

  5. You can remain the eternal child yourself. Can a 43-year-old with three kids go out on the piss with their mates every night? Well, they can but society frowns on that. So not unless they have a lovely partner or can afford a childminder. No - you are doomed to a lousy social life. The highlight will be the odd meal out with other couples with kids. You can never escape. Being childless and free of responsibility means that you can be wild and immature as long as you want. The only exceptions to the rule here are rockstars - or heroin addicts.

Think I'm harsh? Well, maybe so. But you also know I'm right. We live in an overpopulated world, sure that statement is open to debate but just shut up and go with it. The overall human population is almost at a point where it can't stand on it's own spindly, malnourished, horny little legs anymore. And it's because people don't pull out enough. Everyone knows that population growth cannot keep going the way it is, it's a fornication train speeding out of control towards Mt. Doom. So unless Mother Nature does something about it, lazy bitch, it's up to us and our generation to save the planet. One condom at a time.

For more on why you shouldn't breed, possibly kill yourself and general misanthropy visit The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement.