30/09/2015 10:34 BST | Updated 30/09/2016 06:12 BST

A Letter to my Darling Firstborn


To my dearest Polly,

I'd like to start this note by apologising. I wrote letters to your brother and sister on their birthdays earlier this year, but your special day came at a tricky time for us, and I'm ashamed to say that I couldn't muster the enthusiasm back then. I hope you can forgive me. Also, between baby brain x3 and all the sleep deprivation, my memories are getting muddled and I'd like to capture a few of them.

If I've learnt nothing else, it's that life whizzes by at a blink and you'll miss it rate. Never was there a more apt phrase for parenthood than 'the days are long, but the years are short'.

What can I tell you my lovely girl? We are deep in the trenches and our lives are hard work, there is no way to dress it up. It's not always easy for me to stay cucumber cool when I'm being screamed at, kicked, punched, have furniture thrown at me or witness unkind behaviour directed at your siblings. My word do I try though! I still lose my temper and shout too much, even though I know it doesn't do us any favours, but when I've only had a few hours sleep and my buttons are being pressed, it can be impossible to keep my emotions in check.

We're at a real crossroads with your education, and have some big decisions to make for your future. The fact is that your needs are so much greater than the needs of most of your peers, and the niggling feeling that resides in my gut tells me that school is not doing you any favours right now. The too often catastrophic fall out either side of 9-3:30 is taking its toll on the whole family, and I'm not sure how much longer we can carry on this way.

You have so much love to give, but unfortunately it gets over shadowed by the pinching, name calling and spitefulness. We'd seen the back of a lot of it over the summer holidays, and it's been painful watching it unravel as quickly as it has. Whatever road we ended up taking, I need you to know that decisions were not made lightly, and were always and only made with your best intentions in mind, and at heart.

I don't want to turn into the type of mum that's always looking ahead at the next big milestone. Wishing our lives away with thoughts of 'getting through this or that'; wasting your childhood by wistfully thinking that 'this too shall pass'. I want to enjoy the moment more, and for us all to start living rather than surviving.

What I do know for certain, is that as long as we stick together and do our best team work, we can get through anything.

When all is said and done, I hope you know how much I love you my darling firstborn. I'm no where near perfect, and don't always get it right, but I always always try my best.

With much love,

Your mummy xxx