In 2003, Fabolous - a Brooklyn-born Hip Hop artist - released the single Into You, regarding a certain special someone with whom he shared a love which was inexplicable (note: the line "I can't really explain it" repeated ad nauseum). The bond between Fabolous and his significant other was so great that he ponders what it would be like if "both of [their] names had Jackson on the end". There's no doubt - Fabolous is besotted.
The problem, however, is in the details. Into You has a particularly sleazed out RnB chorus which has the presumed-other half sharing the burden of confusion as to why they are both so into each other. "Standard!" would cry the R+B scholar, and of course I would agree - but Fabolous recorded and released this song twice, with different other-halves. I considered writing this article on this scandalous revelation alone, however I quickly realised that Fabolous' dilemma suggests that he and David Cameron may be the same person.
You see, reader, Tamia was Fabolous' first 'baby gurl'. She released the song So Into You in 1998, which was met with moderate success without Fabolous. Its obvious to me that Tamia is the fusty old Conservative backbencher (Reginald Tory) to David Cameron's Fabolous, he's populist, potentially a bit vapid but people like him and god damnit Tamia those "flawless diamonds" won't pay for themselves. David Cameron's reworked Into You became a hit, it came 4th in the US Billboard Hot 100 ( 44th in the French singles chart - Reginald doesn't go down well in Europe) - it wasn't what Tamia had dreamed of, but for god sake everyone has to compromise once in awhile! Then came election day.
ICameron and Tamia's Into You was just a single, and in my eyes - an unjustifiably selfrighteous R+B nerd - a single is just a big up for the album. It's a track to say "if you think THATS good, remortgage your house and pop over to HMV for the real thing", the real crunch time was on album release day, when Fabolous realised that the amount of seats his party had won did not come up to the 326 to form a parliamentary majority and compromises were going to have to be made. Imagine Reginald Tory's hurt when David Cameron had not only taken his vocal hook and remade it into a sleazy R+B song, but made the same sleazy R+B song with Ashanti (the Liberal Democrats).
Yes, the album contained Into You ft. Ashanti, an attractive young R+B singer who absolutely did appeal to the masses. With their popularity Fabolous and Ashanti took a meagre 'Conservative win' at the 2010 Election and had turned Britain into 'Liberal Wonderland', where people looked forward to a future where everyone embraced cultural diversity, where our politicians were fiscally conscious and where children were taught the meaning of Love in free schools. Needless to say, Tamia was PISSED. You see Tamia saw Fabolous coming into government like so: Get in, pour active thermite into the channel tunnel, piss on the ashes of the NHS and retire with an MP's pension, but Fabolous didn't want that.
I have, up until this point, neglected the final point which clearly shows that our Prime Minister is the embodiment of a Noughties R+B star: the song itself. Into You is dotted with references to being in government and sharing political affiliations - Cameron raps at one point that Tamia/Ashanti "[loves] my smile... it ain't because my whips is ruthless", a cohesive government where Fabolous' MP's are ready to vote for his legislation without needing to have the whips office. The song plays out like a keynote at a party convention, Cameron expresses his needy devotion to anything Tamia/Ashanti could ever ask for, he would "trade it all in an orderly fashion" just so the party would remain faithful in return.
David Cameron faces Fabolous' implied dilemma, David Cameron really is Into Ashanti, Tamia is just a washed up old R+B singer - David needed the Tamia's song for the popularity but his eyes were always on Ashanti - Fabolous wants the young, fresh side of politics where he and the Liberal Democrats can hug a hoody and a polar bear, and even though Tamia is providing the vocal hook - I, as a false-historian of R+B and relentless optimist, believe Reginald Tory's time in the Billboard Hot 100 has come to an abrupt halt.