It's a once in a lifetime offer: relocate to Thailand permanently and enjoy the splendour of sandy beaches, beautiful sunshine and exotic culinary delights.
The government will take care of the flights and the arrangements with the Thai government. You need never drudge through the dank, rainy streets of London again. No more will you have to push your way past the crowds of people on the northbound Northern Line platform to get back to your one bedroom Camden flat where the boiler gave up months ago.
Finally, life is giving you something back. Thailand is calling.
How, you might ask, do I take advantage of this too-good-to-be-true offer?
Well, let me take you through the process. Bear with me, however, as it may seem slightly bizarre, but keep your eyes on the prize.
First, you have to take a slight detour. Transform yourself into an Emirati, a national of the United Arab Emirates. This part is crucial, as the offer is only open to those who are indigenous to the Emirates.
Next, defend human rights. Be principled. Stand up to the ills of society, face the fear of a security service long linked with maltreatment of prisoners and demand that basic political freedoms are met.
After this you are sure to be arrested. You are sure to be charged with 'insulting the country's leadership'. This bit is easy, as the leaders are, shall we say, fairly sensitive. You need only call for a free election to elect politicians who have jurisdiction over the legislative process to achieve this part.
The next part is a little unsavoury as you're going to have to spend a few months in prison. You'll be subjected to a farcical trial and convicted of endangering state security, all whilst you're in prison with your fellow inmates being paid to write reports on your character.
Never fear though because the Western cavalry will roll into town and demand that 'prisoners of conscience' be released. The authorities will bestow a royal pardon upon you and you'll be released, although your documents including your passport will be retained as your UAE citizenship has now been removed.
Here comes a tricky part. Without a citizenship it is going to be difficult to remain resident in your own country, the UAE, never mind anywhere else. Never fear, however, as the ever benevolent UAE authorities have got the answer and an that has cost them so you'd better be pleased.
The good news is that the authorities have paid the Comoros Islands $200 million so that the stateless citizens of the UAE can now be citizens of these islands. How lovely. This means that when the authorities decide you are no longer deemed worthy of your home country's citizenship, they can provide you with another one. It may seem worthless and bizarre, but stick with me.
So, we've come quite far. You're a lifelong resident and citizen of the UAE. You've called for democracy, subsequently been convicted of endangering state security and now left with Comoros Islands citizenship after being stripped of your original citizenship.
The good thing is that at least you've been released. You can at least go home to your family. You've learnt your lesson and you will quietly get on with your life.
Wrong. A few months later the state security will come calling again. They will rearrest you. They won't, as is becoming the norm, provide you with any official documentation or even admit they have arrested you, but needless to say when you are sat in prison the piece of paper saying you are there becomes slightly irrelevant.
The authorities will now tell you the game is up. You have to leave. They will, however, give you a choice of destination. The choice is Iran, India, Pakistan, Bangladesh or Thailand.
We all know at this point the choice is easy: it's Thailand.
And so we have it. Although you have never visited Thailand you now have an all expense paid trip to Thailand, courtesy of the UAE government. The trip of a lifetime.
The only caveat is that you can never return to your home. You must leave your family. You must never come back.
Now, I must reveal my source that told me about this wonderful opportunity. It is Ahmed Abdul Khaleq.
Ahmed Abdul Khaleq is currently in prison in the UAE, awaiting his fate of being forced to leave his country for Thailand.
Thing is, Ahmed doesn't want this opportunity. He loves his country. So much so, that he did and suffered everything I have described here. He stood up for the fundamental rights of citizens in his country and suffered terribly as a result.
Ahmed is due to be deported any moment now. As we have come to learn with the UAE authorities, it is unclear exactly when this will happen as no formal legal process has been followed. We have to rely on phone calls made by Ahmed to his family.
This time there are no signs of the cavalry arriving. The West have bigger problems to deal with; but if only their gaze could turn towards the UAE even fleetingly then this terrible miscarriage of justice could be averted.
Ahmed Abdul Khaleq sits in a UAE prison awaiting deportation to a country he has never visited and has no desire of living in.
On reflection, this opportunity doesn't seem so attractive. I think I'll savour my journey home tonight on the Northern Line. Who cares if the train is packed and the boiler is broken.
If only Ahmed could have the same freedom of choice.