The Blog

The Master Cleanse: The Master Disaster

I was drawn in hook line and sinker when my fellow foodie, breakfast partner and best friend suggested we transform our selvesinto Miranda Kerr-like beings with the 'Master Cleanse'.

After my Christmas routine of having three different types of potatoes piled on my plate daily (one of the many joys about being in Ireland for Christmas), I was feeling content full and quite happy at my Christmas indulgence.

Having never been one for faddy diets, but always admiring from afar the easy and seamless approach to it from others with seemingly visible effects on Facebook, and Instagram, pictures portraying invisible waistlines and the like. I was drawn in hook line and sinker when my fellow foodie, breakfast partner and best friend suggested we transform our selvesinto Miranda Kerr-like beings with the 'Master Cleanse'.

"Miranda does it, Beyoncé lost a whole stone doing it for Dream Girls (not that that's why we're doing it), its all Cheryl Cole talks about in her latest auto biography when she feels run down"

AND she does so with such a casual easy, sort of like you or I might talk about making a cup of tea or buying a Kit Kat when we want to de stress and relax she talks aboutmaking her 'Lemonade'.

I, pop the kettle on in times of crisis or when I want to de stress, Chezza, hits the juice with marvellous rejuvenating effects. Apparently.

Maybe it was the fuzz of a new year, tweets about gym time, or conversations about detoxing that swept us into a detox frenzy, but before I knew it we were trailing the isles of Whole Foods asking pissed off shop assistants about grade B maple syrup and cayenne Pepper.

We should have know when the pissed off assistant practically chased us out the store with a sheet of information he had printed on the dangers of 'stupid diets' and why we should REALLY be in Whole Foods, (buying over priced macaroni cheese from the deli counter) OBVIOUSLY. Never the less we didn't and laughed at him with a cocky arrogance, syrup in bag, as we strolled out happy with our 'healthy purchases' .

"He just thinks we're stupid and trying to get skinny what does he know"

I'd like to take this moment to say sorry. Sorry to that floopy haired shop assistant in hemp clothing. We should have listened to you.

Day1: NB- this detox, cleanse, diet call it what you will, by the end of it you'll be calling Nandos and begging them to deliver, is supposed last up to 10 days. Up to 10 days with no solids.

The drink it self, something Cheryl (in my opinion) wrongly calls 'lemonade' is more like curried water with a lemony sweet edge. Not disgusting, but by no means is it 'lemonade'.

You are encouraged to spend the first few days of doing the cleanse at home relaxing. Don't be fooled this is more a safety measure as if you dare to lift a finger with nothing but curried lemon water in your system you're undoubtedly going to be weak and be more likely to faint and fall in front of a train. Remember Miranda Ker does not use the central line.

Hours into to the cleanse on my second cup of lax tea,(which did nothing) and third glass of 'lemonade' I can't confess to being starving in desperate need of food, but I was a far cry from feeling like I was cleansing or doing anything good for my body.

The more I thought about the concept of no solids for up to 10 days, the more I thought about my Grandpa's war stories of surviving on rusty water for 10 days in the Army. I was trying to survive on curried lemonade for 10 days to help my body? To be a better me? To... ? Apart from possibly getting swept away by celebrity stories of success and perfection, I had no answer.

And with that I texted my cleansing partner franticly back and forward while in bed clutching a batch of juice trying to understand how we got to this point, the point where my kitchen was full of lemons and nothing else.

I'm not Miranda Ker god bless her, the vision of perfection, Flaxseed and Goji Berry ambassador that she is. I never will be, nor do I want to be her. I'm actually quite happy being me (when I'm not losing my mind in Whole Foods), and I'd much rather like her pictures on Instagram rather than copy what she does as if I too am a Victoria Secret model.

I'm not Beyoncé, the vision of wondrous female strength and beauty that she is, and actually if was going to be anyone else I'd probably take being her quite happily, if I really had to, but... she was paid in excess of a million to loose weight for Dream Girls and posed with a cheque and career benefits that large I may be more inclined to consider drinking curried water and starving myself for 10 days, but no cheque means no dilemma.

With those stark realisations I poured the 7th cup down the sink took off my PJ's and went to eat, because I like solids, solids are good for you.