04/09/2013 09:07 BST | Updated 04/11/2013 05:12 GMT

Online, On-DULL!

Raising our glasses over dinner my friend announces, "Here's to finding love!" I answer with "Mmm, you have the love, I'll have the book deal - CHEERS!" Yes, my friend has love on the brain. She is the opposite of me with a textbook case: late thirties, not met anyone special in years, and is dreaming of lying on the beach with 'the one'.

Upon discussing, and quite regularly of late, meeting someone, I subtly point out that she is actually doing nothing about it. If you really want to meet someone you do indeed have to put yourself out there. Whether it's saying yes to every invitation that comes your way - YOU NEVER KNOW EY, EY?! Hitting the bars with a non-slutty available allure about you, or putting yourself online: you need to take action.

She's not so keen on hitting the bars, and as there's nothing exciting on the social horizon I echo the words of my New York friends and tell her "Online dating is the answer!" Everyone is so pro Internet dating there, approaching it in the same manner as sending out your CV. A serious and detailed dedication is required with tweaks every week to attract potential employers/lovers. I however, find it goes against everything I believe in. I want a meeting of fate, love (lust) at first sight! A wonderful story! Excitement! Chance! YES! Not "We met via a Google search". I knew many disagree, and I can see it as an intelligent way to finding love in many ways, but I prefer an old fashion approach to finding love.

Of course I am not about to tell me friend this, NO! I am FULL of enthusiasm for her giving it a go! Why not?! Nothing to lose?! Not like you've met anyone lately right?! Come on! I even offer to join up to so she can rate the process and see if there are any potential lovers online. And oh my GOD, there are not. My point for being anti online love is proved almost instantly.

Firstly, the majority of men are in finance or HR - WOW RIVETING. Secondly, they all want much younger women, much younger. As we sieve through the endless pages of Andrews from Clapham, we find that every single man around the 40 mark wants to date a woman between 20 to 35. Most follow the pattern of accepting a woman a maximum of a year younger than him. We did find one guy who we liked aged 40, but we were too OLD for him. No wonder you're on this site guys. You are dreaming if you think some 25 year old hottie is going to get all excited about the fact you're middle aged, in a polo shirt and on here, HEY, maybe that's why you're single?! Wake up! Then there's Phillip who looks like he would eat your fanny whole: scary, overly active sports guy: you just know he has a mini chipotle dick, then the rest are dull dull dull, or looking for a show pony - you cannot win! Not like you'd want to really.

After we dry our tears of laughter, I decide to complete the joining process so my friend can see what's involved, and my god you REALLY have to have a burning desire to meet someone to complete these - it is endless, by the time you've completed the sign-up you could have met Mr Right in your Tesco Local I'm sure. I'm exhausted, I just want to complete it as I do all things, but we lose interest half way through.

I mean it's not like we saw anyone worth going through this process for anyway? Where are the creative types? Interesting, non polo-shirt wearing men who prick your interest intently? NOT ONLINE - I rest my case. I'm sure Will i am or Leo Dicaprio wouldn't go through that sign up form, no. We had a laugh, but my friend has decided to put herself out there in other ways but not online, and I fully support her with cocktails at the ready. See you in a bar soon boys with a hot brunette ready for love!